Tweeted out something very banal the other day, yet unsurprisingly I suppose it hit a nerve:
Because I received a slew of responses from the usual anon accounts with some old statue or painting as their avi — or maybe if you’re lucky a set of abs — emphasizing the usual “women are never too exhausted to have sex with me.”
Nothing upsets the boys in the manosphere more than talking about understandable reasons a woman might not want to sleep with them. You are “beta” if this ever happens.
However, Abuamerican is not some LARPing boy — he’s a genuine expert with women — and it’s worth addressing his very valid point below:
Because the truth is that there is a very clear issue with sex of PRIORITIES and EXCUSES.
Really, how long does sex take?
If we are talking about a neither a quickie nor a marathon… and I am being generous here… we are talking about 5-20 minutes.
Not long. Include “clean up” etc and you’re looking at half an hour tops… and of course, even if you’re really strapped for time and need to do it fast, this can be cut down to a total of less than 10 minutes.
Hard to formulate a valid excuse for this when many of said women have just given 8+ hours to their job. Where do her priorities really lie?
Moreover, as noted in his comments, many women who claim such things are in fact heavily pampered — they have a nanny and a maid — yet they come up with the same excuse. “They’re just not in the mood, they’re tired…”
So what is it, really?
As usual, it’s both.
Being too tired for sex is an excuse, and yet tired women are also not in the mood for sex.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
The former is an issue of desire. Sex with you is not appealing enough to be a priority. She would rather “watch netflix and ‘relax’ after a hard day” rather than enjoy some intimacy with you.
The latter is an issue of comfort. It’s hard to think about sex when she is burned out from working a long day at work with tons of bullshit, as well as taking care of the needs of kids.
Desire determines, well, her desire to have sex (with you)… and comfort determines the bandwidth she has dedicated to eroticism and romance in general.
Both matter. But which you should focus on the most depends on your woman and your relationship. Where does the low-hanging fruit lie?
Some guys no doubt are simply not that attractive to their woman anymore. They’re needy, overly-compliant, out of shape ‘nice guys’… no amount of “help” around the house will change this. They need to pull back from her and her demands, and place them elsewhere.
But I will stand by what I said in that the BIGGEST issue most guys face with their sex lives is that their woman probably has too much on her plate to feel sexy or to think about sex.
Most lacking-in-the-bedroom relationships have some of these desire issues, but fundamentally their woman loves them and is attracted to them. But if her job is stressful and the kids are screaming… she is not going to feel sexy and is going to be in her headspace, NOT her body or her heart. The juices just won’t be flowing.
This is a PRACTICAL REALITY and it doesn’t do men any good to pretend it doesn’t exist because of their egos.
These guys will have a LOT more sex if they are able to create a lifestyle for the family where their woman can relax and feel more sexy. In contrast, them running off to talk to other women to create dread is only likely to exhaust their woman more and cause her to have a nervous breakdown (this is cruel not “alpha”). It’s not the same situation as some pampered bitch who has an easy life on your labor yet doesn’t respect you or your needs.
Make sense?
I know, I know… this topic is triggering for many. No one in the manosphere likes to talk about comfort issues, because they seem to many like “cope.” Most guys here have a deep sense of powerlessness around women — it’s why they arrived in this corner to begin with — and so a lot of their reason for commenting on twitter, etc is to create an alternative self-image where this powerlessness doesn’t exist.
I get it.
But I don’t deal with theory. I’m a clinician, not a poser. My job is to fix men’s relationship with women.
And I know it is stupid to hold up some gigachad archetype to men as the “solution” — an ideal man women want so bad that nothing, not their job nor their kids can stop them from fucking. This may be par for the course on the internet but in real life it’s absurd.
Sometimes what you really need to do to improve your sex life is to take some shit off of her plate and spend more time with her, so she can remember she’s a beautiful woman and she’s desirable.
Context and nuance, as always.And if you want some help calibrating your approach?
Well, perhaps you should consider coaching.
Because that’s pretty much exactly what I do.I’m a relationship surgeon. And I use more instruments than the scalpel.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
