Received a question the other day re: one of my tweets:
A lot of the nitty-gritty of this confusion comes down to definitions.
So let’s attack this term “fantasy.” What does it really mean?
I do not think it is useful to associate it with masculine and feminine ideals. Ideals are behaviors to strive for.
That said, acting as an ideal 24/7 is not reasonable — we are human, and we all fall short. You are not perfect and cannot be expected to be perfect day in and day out. So in some sense, I suppose you could classify a fixation on these ideals as a fantasy.
But the real thing that defines a fantasy is not what it is but why it is. Fantasies are “savior programs.” We fantasize about someone or something to make us feel better about ourselves and our own issues.
When a young man has a fantasy of a girl, what he feels is some combination of her desiring and understanding him more than anyone ever could. That validation — which fills in the holes in his self-worth — is what the fantasy is made out of.
She represents an ideal for him because she wants him. Obviously some elements are universal but a fantasy always depends on the object validating the subject.
Which is where the problem with fantasies come in. They are based on narcissistic illusions. She wants you more than anything because the image of you she’s created validates her desire to love and to be loved by such an image.
In other words: She does not care about you, she cares about what her fantasy of you does for her own self-image.
The stronger someone’s fantasies, the less inner work that person has done. Hence you should always be extremely cautious whenever a girl has barely known you but is calling you “the love of her life.” This is a tell-tale sign the girl is immature and/or fucked up — she is using you for her own ego.
This now-blissful relationship will get worse. When you inevitably disappoint her fantasy over the coming months, she will get very angry at you for “deceiving” her. Do not be surprised if and when she betrays you. “It’s not you, it’s just your turn” is a cynical and stupid way of thinking about dating, but it does apply to these kind of women.
Which is why when a lot of LARPers in the manosphere talk up girls who are “obsessed” like it’s some kind of accomplishment, I roll my eyes.
These guys are soaking up the validation of having a woman project onto them. It’s an amateur attitude. Truly successful guys who actually have experience with women roll their eyes at these girls, or are even disgusted by them.
These women take your energy, because they depend on you buying into the fantasy in order for their self-esteem to maintain. Guys who find themselves seriously involved with such girls invariably have guilt, as this is the vector in which these girls will sink their teeth into their prey.
These guys won’t end things because “it will hurt them” — their own ego of being a “nice guy” is what keeps them trapped. This is Girl Game. They create a fantasy for you so they can get you.
Once you humble yourself, and realize these girls don’t really care about you — and for their own good you should shatter their delusion — it gets easier to say sayonara.
But at any rate, I’m rambling.
The point you should take away is that you want a woman who sees you and loves you for who YOU are, not simply how you make her feel about herself.
She should already love herself enough that she doesn’t NEED you to validate her.
She doesn’t NEED a fantasy because she is happy in REALITY.
The reason she wants you is because you are who you are.
Masculine, yes, but also your own unique self.
You make her life better, you don’t make her life.
Makes sense?
Anyway, waxing poetic about this is one thing…
Achieving a relationship like this? Quite another.
Because you have to not only find such women, but become the best version of yourself… so you can attract her.
Where to begin?
Perhaps by working with me.
I don’t turn you into a mini-me. I turn you into a better you.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
