A reader writes in:
Hi Pat,
Personal development puts me in a dilemma. I value connection. I want to be in a relationship and I want hot sex. But I am so often let down by most of my peers in their 20s that I interact with, including the girls in this age range whom I’m physically attracted to.
Unless someone makes a conscious effort to grow most people are driven by toxic shame such as the need to feel important or to fit in. Sometimes I feel like the only adult in a sea full of children, and after talking to people quickly lose interest when I detect how narcissistic and self centered most people are. There are highly developed people in their 20s but they are rare, most of the people I get along with are much older than I am.
Take for example the improv class I’m taking. I love improv–it’s fun, gets my creative juices flowing and as a guy humor is a good skill to have. But many of the people in the class are loud and obnoxious and quite frankly boring to talk to outside of that context. Most people at work or who I connect with on dating apps such as CMB that attracts a highly educated user base tend to be significance driven high achievers whose insecurities and entitlement I can see clearly as I’ve been there myself. Mature people in these circles exist but in my age group they are the exception not the norm.
Maybe it’s a series of bad interactions I had lately that set me off this line of thinking, but as I’m writing this I don’t find myself resentful but rather detached so there has to be some truth in this observation. How and where should I meet mature women?
—
As you might recall, we had a question similar to this recently (re: the issue of liking younger women physically, but older women psychologically). But we haven’t addressed this one directly… and I know it’s on a lot of guys’ minds:Where can you meet women who aren’t broken?
Unfortunately, in most of the western world, particularly the anglosphere — you are going to have an uphill battle. There is a reason there has been such a push to date women from abroad this past decade — the destructive psychological programming has been slower to get to those areas, and thus the women are both better looking and largely sane (though this too has gotten worse).
Yet as you guys know, I’m not Roosh — I don’t blackpill, and I’m not here to complain about women. The reversal to this programming is already beginning… and while some of these women are too far gone, many of them (particularly those under 30) will be healed in the process. I remain optimistic about the future of western women.
But there’s no use denying the reality: if you are an “awake” man, in the meantime you are going to be sifting through a lot of shit on the dating market.
So how to proceed?Well, step one is targeting something I have harped on a lot in the past… demographics.
The reader mentioned CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel, a dating app) in his question. As he noted, it’s an app that targets highly intellectual, high achieving women. The problem? This demographic is perhaps the MOST “psyopped” in the world. Your chances of meeting an emotionally stable, feminine woman are extremely low.
The answer, as you might have guessed, is don’t use that app or target that demographic.
Same goes for improv. I will piss some people off saying this… it will probably come across as misogynistic. But comedy is a masculine enterprise. That doesn’t mean women shouldn’t do it, or that women can’t be funny. But it means women who involve themselves in it tend to be sarcastic, vulgar, and detached from their femininity. It’s another bad demographic to date in.
So which ones should you target instead?
There’s a range, of course. And most have tradeoffs. For instance, if you were to get involved in artistic or spiritual circles (yoga / healing groups), you would find feminine women… but there’s quite a lot of radical programming there as well. You will still need to sift.
Churches are a mixed bag. Athletic clubs / intramural sports tend to be mixed as well — when women get more physical, they tend to become more conservative. However, not necessarily feminine.
And of course, you want these demographics to be niches you are interested in, so it comes across as congruent when you join.
Which is why my ultimate recommendation is simple:
Imagine the kind of girl you would like to date, and go to where that kind of girl would be.
And the corollary — stop spending time on girls who aren’t in that demographic. As they’re doing nothing but wasting your time and energy.
Now, I know we have a little problem at the moment… COVID has shut most of these clubs and stuff down.
So your options are two-fold:
– Cold-approaching in parks / public places, while trying to “read” girls there who are in your demographic (they have a look and vibe, and you will need to trust this)
– Adjust your dating apps so you are at a minimum not using apps that target the wrong demographics, and craft your profile in a while that it will pull in the girls you’re looking for
The truth is there ARE tons of great girls in this country. But the problem most men have who can’t find them is that they are in the wrong circles. They’ve OUTGROWN or OUT-EVOLVED their environment.
And so they need to find a new one, with people who think more like them.
The bad news is this process of “rebuilding” can take some time. It’s not an overnight thing.
The good news is that once you leave the environment holding you back, the quality of women won’t simply improve — your whole quality of LIFE will change.
If you want help shifting into this new life, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
