A reader writes in:
‘Hello Pat, I trust this message meets you well.
I have an issue about dating to relate to you. I hope you find time amid your busy schedule to provide clarity.
I met a girl I am attracted to, and we started speaking.
In my observation, I would say she’s a psychologically healthy girl. I haven’t noticed any red flags, and I can tell she has a great personality.
We vibe very well, and I think she will complement me.
So, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she told me that she has a boyfriend and wouldn’t want to double date.
I’ve found it difficult to accept this, knowing that she’s tier 1, and I may not easily come across another that I like.
Please, I need your advice on what I should do.
Should I stoically move on? Should I still keep talking with her, hoping she changes her mind along the line?
Some background:I’ve known her for a while, but we’ve never had anything apart from exchanging pleasantries. However, when I saw her recently, I felt attracted to her. So, we exchanged contact and started occasionally speaking on the phone.
I have the intention to get married to her, so I decided to check out for some red flags that I could notice.
On social media, she doesn’t post sexually suggestive photos; hence I don’t think she’s so much of an attention freak. She posts pictures of herself and her family and isn’t like other profile of narcissistic women that only have their selfies on their social media handles. I’ve also noticed she has a good relationship with her father, and hence, I think she has a good relationship with masculinity.
She can express herself pretty well in conversations without being argumentative.
We speak on the phone at length, and we never run out of what to say. I always end the conversation because I would have to do something else.
We had already scheduled to hang out sometime. I wanted to tell her when I see her, but I felt I was delaying in declaring my intentions, so I told her on the phone.
Then, she told me she had a boyfriend and wouldn’t want to double date. Then she asked me if I was in a relationship. I then said to her that I was in one, but it ended with last year. It was on that note we ended the conversation that day.
Since then, we’ve spoken once and chatted once, and we’re still vibing on the same level as before I told her of my intentions.
I have the belief that I still have a chance with her. Yet, I seek your wisdom to know the right decision to take.
Thank you very much for responding. It means a lot to me.
I need to be real:
As a general rule, it’s not a good idea to pursue women who have boyfriends. I don’t think I need to go into the potential drama that can ensue. There are plenty of single women out there — why fixate on someone else’s?
Moreover, when a woman who has a boyfriend is talking to you for hours… and doesn’t disclose that she has a boyfriend… this is a sign the girl is playing games. She’s harvesting your attention and validation — and worse — she’s doing this behind the back of her boyfriend. This is a big red flag for integrity. No, she didn’t cheat, but letting things go that far is a sign she’s willing to play with fire, and violate emotional contracts.
But I need to also say that every general rule has its exception.
So let me ask you a question…
Do you believe, firmly and deeply in your heart, that this girl and you are really meant to be together? And do you sense deep in her heart, she believes it too?
Be honest with yourself to what degree scarcity or need is playing a role here. There is a difference between fantasy (4D) and knowing (5D). And the rules change depending on what’s going on.
I have seen guys chase girls they imagine are perfect for them. And I’ve seen without exception these guys fail — whether or not they get the girl. They either fail to break off her relationship, and look like a desperate fool in the process… or they do, and then after a few months get buyers remorse. Congrats… you’ve ruined her life for your own fancy.
So the point here is to determine whether this girl is really Tier 1 or not.
(READ: The 5 Tiers of Women)
If she is… if you know the two of you are meant to be together — if this is something you have not felt before, then here’s what you can do.
Remain confident of the outcome. Continue to spend time with her, tease, laugh… allow the chemistry to flow. Yes, you want her to feel comfortable with you… but most important here is that she considers time spent with you to be the highlight of her week(s).
The key here is not too much. You don’t want to be demanding. Make sure you have your own life; perhaps even casually date other women.
But every 1-3 weeks take her out, and just have fun.
You can seed jokes in there about the two of you. Let it all build…If she every complains about her boyfriend, don’t get into a position of being the “nice guy” who she dumps problems on. Just say “well, sounds like you should break up with him and date me.”
Key here is a persistent but not obsessive confidence. You are not afraid of getting rejected when you make these comments, because you know it’s only a matter of time. This is a war of emotional attrition.
Women tend not to want to jump to men they might even prefer because they are afraid if they jump, they’ll lose everything. Hence the line to walk here is being a sure thing without a desperate thing. Tactical use of space in between meetings is important, as you want her to miss you.
Eventually, if you are doing the above — and her boyfriend is falling short — you will see more and more investment from her. This is when you lay down the ultimatum: me or him. Now or never.
Faced with that loss, she’ll almost certainly jump. I’ve executed this personally and with other clients… the results are very positive.
Just keep in mind you need to do all the above, and be patient. There are a lot of moving pieces.
The key here is becoming the guy she has the most attraction and emotional investment in. If she is clearly invested with her boyfriend, and while she hands out with you, isn’t really biting with the flirting… understand that you are friendzoned. It’s time to pull out.
Anyway, a broad overview of strategy.
If you want tactical help to execute such a strategy however…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application