A reader writes in:
I recently just got into my first sort of “relationship.” I’m 23 and I’ve had a lot of emotional issues in my life bc of my parents divorce and my terrible relationship with my mother. I’ve been talking with her for a little over a month, and we have a great time together. She’s very interested in me (I think):
– She messages me first almost daily, and we always laugh and have a great time when we’re together.
– She makes plans to hang out more than I do.
– She initiates kisses a lot, and she told me yesterday that when I jokingly give her shit, she finds it hot. I give her shit all the time.
– She also literally said the words “I really really like you” yesterday, after we “had sex.”
Problem is, I’m shit in the sack. I had sex four times before I met this girl. If I’m not cumming too quickly, I can’t get my dick in her. I’m not at any disadvantages due to biology, so I’m hopeful that when I get this sorted out, I’ll be able to fuck her brains out no prob.
I noticed yesterday that a guy messaged her on Snapchat, and she didn’t open it in front of me.
At first, I didn’t care, because I knew we were about to go fuck, and I’d rather be in my position than his.
However, yesterday we tried to fuck, and I didn’t even get inside her, and when she went on top, she also couldn’t get me inside her. She’s told me twice that I need more foreplay.
Not too sure what I should do, but my obsessive mental-tendencies side has more ammunition than I’d like it to right now (I’m hitting the gym later so I should be good).
Any advice you could give?
—
Was about to respond to this, when I received an update:
Hey Pat, the situation isn’t really changing, but there is some more weird info.
Things are unfortunately not improving in the bedroom. We talked about it a week or so ago, and she said that she hasn’t had the desire to have sex.
Yesterday, when we were about to go to sleep, we started making out and things progressed. I sucked on her neck and her tits, and after a little while I went down on her (which she really seemed to enjoy).
Once I took my pants off, and I was about to go inside her, she said “No.”When I asked why, and she frustratedly said “I don’t know.”
Afterwards we talked, and she said she needs more time to want to have sex (doesn’t make sense to me).
We always have a very good time together, and she asks me over quiet frequently. She wants me to meet her parents. Yesterday, we made plans for me to come over once we finished our stuff for the day. When she texted me she was done, she ended up calling me 15 minutes after the text to see why I hadn’t left yet.
A few days ago, she also changed both of our names in each others phones to have hearts and other cute little emoji’s next to them.
She has told me a few times that she likes me a lot, and outside of us not having sex, I believe her.
I think she does like me, but I’m almost like a good friend that she kisses, cuddles, and sleeps with.I’m not too sure what to do, and I would love to hear your advice on this.
At this point, I think most of the red pill world would tell me to break up with her, but I really don’t want to do that.
—
Obviously this is a difficult situation… and we’ll get to what to do about it. But first I want to underline something important here for the readers.
Despite what you hear in the manosphere, attraction is not a one dimensional thing.
There is desire AND there is comfort. And while all girls want both… depending on their own psychology, one of these is going to take precedence over the other.
This is the difference between your proverbial “madonnas” and “whores.”
Madonnas like sex, but they prioritize emotional connection in their relationships. Whores on the other hand won’t even contemplate anything serious with you unless your “dick game” is on point. They choose guys based on their eroticism (sometimes they settle for practical purposes, but then they cheat / divorce as the years go by).
Of course, the madonna and whore archetype exists within all women. Some are more balanced; some possess only a little of one or the other. Most are somewhere between 60-80% one, 20-40% the other.
Which brings us to your situation. The madonna in this girl really likes you, and fortunately for you, the madonna is her dominant archetype.
But the whore has shut down due to the performance issues. She is no longer “aroused” by you.
What to do?
A lot of guys would say to leave. Since this switch has flipped, it’s going to be an uphill battle to reengage the “whore” in her. She is going to put up resistance to having sex, because she no longer views you sexually. Indeed… the only way to make her view you sexually again is to create a sense of loss emotionally, which can only be accomplished by leaving.
This is an understandable position, as the whore will eventually sabotage the relationship if she’s not appeased. She will either leave, cheat, or the relationship will at a minimum become stagnant and passionless. Neither of you will be truly happy.
Moreover, if you leave now… you are likely to make her feel anxious about losing a guy she really likes, and will probably push her into having sex with you again to keep things going. In some ways, this is a frame test — she’s checking your boundaries. Being willing to walk away passes that test.
But there’s something relevant worth considering.
Is she really wrong to want to put sex off?
You started dating her with expectations that you needed to perform in a certain way, thus sex became an incongruence action. Your body responded accordingly.
Understand:
When the intention behind sex comes from the wrong place, the sex is never as good as it could be… and very often doesn’t happen at all.
Yes, girls like to get fucked by dominant, confident guys. They like to be taken. But what is far worse than not being taken is being put in a situation where they feel a guy’s sexual insecurity. Performance issues are bad for women not predominantly because they can’t have sex, but because your anxious energy makes her feel self-conscious, which takes her out of her body and into her head.
And when she’s in her head, thinking about your needs (and how she can’t meet them), she no longer associates sex with you as an enjoyable thing. It’s in fact stressful.
Which brings us to another important question… why are there so many expectations on your to perform?
Sounds like you’ve taken on other people’s ego projections as a sexual requirement — like if you’re not 8 inches, can fuck for an hour, or make her squirt she’s not enjoying sex with you.
(In other words — too much time in the manosphere)
I can relate. Because I had similar problems when I was younger.
Which is why the best thing I ever did for my sex life was only have sex with a girl IF and WHEN I wanted to.
It didn’t matter if she was rearing to go; what mattered was that my desire and intention was in the right place. Sometimes I did not feel comfortable enough with a girl, or didn’t trust her, and that was OK.
I’d give it some time, or next her.
I let my dick become a barometer of truth.
So in this case?
Maybe get to know her and her agenda a bit better, and stop pushing, until you really feel “safe” enough to get aroused.
And if she’s still got barriers after that?
Then you can leave.
But there’s a good chance, once you get your energy right, she might change her mind.
Anyway, if you’ve got a similar problem and need help with these issues…
Well, I’ve got a LOT of experience solving them.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
