There’s a reason I’m a dating AND relationship coach.
These two subject areas, while obviously overlapping, are in fact quite different.
Something that becomes VERY apparent as a married guy (who had a LOT of experience dating)… when I see the regular commentary of manosphere bros asserting things that work in a casual context will work in a committed one.
And a huge aspect of this comes down to the role of FANTASY.
Fantasy is something I talk about a lot in my masterclass. Frankly, the section where I address this and female psychology (Module 2) is worth the value of the course alone… no one really talks about this stuff, and it’s so essential to “getting it” with women, it’s a crime it’s ignored.
But to give a broad overview for you gentlemen, the point is that fantasy is VERY powerful for a woman when you meet her, but lacks its cache as time goes on.
Because novelty is in fact a PART of fantasy.
We like new things not because of simply what we’re experiencing, but because of the potential within the newness.
The honeymoon phase is a fantasy of what could be. What other feelings and sensations might I get from this person? In what other ways are they amazing?
NLP, erotic hypnosis, or other sorts of sexual fantasy “game” can get a woman ridiculously turned on in the beginning.
And you see many accounts talking about this, to great effect. How much these women have fallen into their frame.
But what is IGNORED is that this “fantasy frame” is not something that can exist forever.
It is one thing for a one night stand, or even a couple of months…
But it’s not something that works as a foundation for relationship sex. You can still do it in a relationship, but other pieces must be put into place.
Relationships change. What pulls a girl in the beginning will become fake and stale to her over time. You must evolve with the relationship, or be left behind in it.
Relationships that get off on fantasy play do so because of compartmentalization. They “pretend” deliberately; to make things more interesting.
And there’s nothing wrong with this — but this is not something that just continues from the honeymoon phase. It is almost always a renegotiation after a long period of staleness.
Sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it’s a temporary escape before the relationship takes on a particularly degenerate turn.
But what is really relevant here is that whether or not there is fantasy-play on the surface in an “old” relationship… what sets the foundation for it is INTIMACY.
You simply cannot have a relationship lasting more than a 2 years without it.
And it’s why most relationships that DON’T deepen in this area fail by this point… or only exist afterwords on life-support.
Good relationship sex comes from good communication in the relationship.
The reason women lose their desire for their man might be that he’s out of shape, it might be that he’s become mentally weak, unmasculine, a poor leader.
All of that stuff matters ENORMOUSLY.
But very often when guys do all that stuff right, and still don’t get laid the way they want — it’s because they are trying to get a fantasy themselves from their woman, rather than experience real sex.
And in order to have that real sex, they can’t just act like some sort of sex god.
They need to break the barriers with the woman that stops HER from being intimate.
Are you getting it now?
Many women aren’t being sexual not because of you, but because of their own hang-ups around intimacy.
In the beginning they were sexual because it was a fantasy. They could escape into a fantasy. But having sex that requires them to surrender to you, a life-partner, rather than you, some hot guy she likes, and doesn’t know what’s going to happen?VERY different things.
Yes, she needs the masculine to surrender to. You need to be that.
But she also needs to allow herself to let go.
Healing this part of a woman takes work and deeper levels of expertise. It is a subtle surgery that will either bring you closer together, or drive you further apart.
I recommend you don’t cut corners.
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
