Hey Pat,I appreciate your work, it has seriously helped me better my life. But I’d like your help with a situation I’m in right now.
Last Friday, after dating for 4 months, I told my girlfriend I love her. She responded saying she loves me too. But on our most recent date, she told me she was glad she said that, but wants to be more sure before she says it again. Later that night as we were kissing, she said, “I love you… I think, I love you. But I don’t want to just say something in the moment.”
Her saying that made me angry, like I was being toyed with. But before I even said anything to her about it, she apologized saying she was wrong.
I told her that if she says something like that again, I’ll break up with her. What should I do? Should I break up with her now? Or show grace and leave room for her to explore her feeling so she knows she’s sure?
ADDENDUM:
since you’re writing an email, I’ll give a bit more context: Throughout the relationship I’ve maintained frame pretty well, haven’t been needy. I told her I love her because I wanted to and felt that the moment was right. Also, she’s mentioned before that she thinks she’s out of my league
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Your impulse in being angry with her is justified. But watch out on making demands over how she expresses her feelings. This is a common thing guys do — they want to “control” their woman’s emotions — but all it ends up doing is burying her feelings underground.
(Note: this is different than if she was disrespecting you directly, saying you were wimp or a failure, etc. That is a boundary issue. But this isn’t about boundaries, at least not on the surface.)
The problem is that this girl has low self-esteem. One of the big red flags guys miss constantly is when a woman says “you’re out of my league.”
This feels good on the ego, which is why a lot of guys fall for chicks like this.
But what it means fundamentally is that this girl doesn’t think she deserves you — so if you act genuine with her, as you did by expressing your feelings, she will struggle to reciprocate. To avoid getting hurt, she will sabotage the relationship and pull away — and she will make you humiliate yourself to keep her, so she can tell herself you were low quality anyway.
The answer to this sort of situation is generic but universal. Play it cool, leave early perhaps, and then stop contacting her.
Let her come to you.
She needs to realize that just because you expressed your feelings to her, it doesn’t mean you lack self-respect. And that if she is going to be with you, she is going to have to address her internal emotional issues.
The only way to do this is to give her the opportunity to re-invest — which is why the tactic demands space. Do NOT try to “talk through this” with her until she comes to you.
And if she doesn’t?
You’ve dodged a bullet. Because this woman wasn’t capable of emotional intimacy.
Understand my friends…
Dating is fun, but if you want to get serious with a girl — you can’t just play games.
You need to transcend them.
Which is exactly what I do with my clients.
If your relationship is in need of a transformation, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
