A reader writes in:
“Pat, I went through your masterclass in last few days and have a question.
How does one improve their self-esteem or self-worth in an unconscious way?
I’m consciously aware that I’m way more valuable than I believe myself to be, but I undersell myself a lot. I unconsciously do that.”
—
Well, why do you do that?
There are some ways to “unconsciously” improve one’s self-esteem… but the fundamental nature of “doing the work” is in fact to make the unconscious conscious.
Generally these patterns run deep — a lot of it revolves around experiences as a child where you didn’t get your needs met, so you don’t think you deserve them.
It’s only by acknowledging these needs as valid — and allowing yourself and others to meet them — that these wounds heal.
So, it seems like the issue isn’t about the “conscious” work not working… but about not going deep enough to draw the real problems in the unconscious to the surface.
(Read: The Impact of Self-Sabotaging Beliefs)
All that said…
There are ways to unconsciously change beliefs. But usually this happens inadvertently.
For instance, let’s say growing up you didn’t have many friends, people bullied you, etc.
You’ll probably have some negative beliefs about your value as a result.
But, let’s say in college you find a really good group of friends… people like you, they start inviting you to things…
Sure, you’re going to have some mistrust and potential self-sabotage due to these deeply held limiting beliefs.
But as people treat you differently, you will start to gradually feel differently yourself… because your unconscious mind is changing per the environment’s response.
And there are indeed ways to “hack” this on your own.
Such as by pushing yourself into habits that improve the quality of your life.
This is, indeed, the basis of most “self-improvement” tactics.
Use willpower and discipline to do things that are good for you and challenging, like working out regularly, cold approaching, etc.
And as results accrue, so do your beliefs.
Your self-esteem improves, because you have changed your life.
What do I think of this approach, however?
Well, I’m not opposed… to some extent this is even necessary…
But from experience, I’ve found leaning on this “unconscious” approach to be:
a) unnecessarily difficult
b) slow
c) less comprehensive
Because you are fighting against yourself, and making only piecemeal change on the beliefs behind the problems.
In contrast to deep work… where those beliefs are addressed directly.
And so new behaviors and mindsets can be introduced with much less friction.
If you want help getting to those problems, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
