The other day on my dating/relationship periscope (check out these weekly wine Q&As if you haven’t) I got a little “deep” on one of my questions.
The low down:
A guy was considering breaking things off with a girl he’d been dating for about 6 months, in part because he felt he wasn’t ready, and could “upgrade.”
Their dynamic was very fun and easy, their values were the same. They both wanted kids, her a bit sooner than him. She’s 26, he’s 30.
As I mentioned on the periscope, I don’t think he has an obligation to do anything serious with this girl.
Committing to a girl out of GUILT or OBLIGATION is a recipe for disaster. The decision must come from your own desire and agency; otherwise she will be leading you in the relationship… and we all know where that leads.
And yet, I think it’s important to explore this impulse to “upgrade” — this assumption there is always another, better girl around the corner — that is so pervasive in the manosphere.
Because this mindset is both correct and incorrect at the same time.
It’s correct, because it is the antidote to the ridiculous “blue pill” mindset that a given girl who (almost certainly) manipulated you and treated you like shit is “irreplaceable.”
It burns through the pedestal guys place under women who don’t deserve it, and reminds them that mistakes aren’t fatal in romance. It inspires confidence in the future. There ARE other fish in the sea.
And yet, like most reactive beliefs, it has its own delusions.
Because while it is true there are other women out there… it’s also true that good women you will have a deep connection with DON’T grow on trees.
I’ve talked about this in my “5 Tiers of Women” post, and at length in my masterclass.
But Tier 1 women are not common women. If you really put yourself out there you will be lucky to find one a year.
And so I don’t recommend guys treat such women as disposable.
It’s rare to be physically attracted, psychologically and emotionally connected, and lock-step in values with a woman.
Which is why in my periscope I noted that the best reason to ditch said girl was if he wasn’t really that physically attracted to her (sorry ladies).
Because so long as this isn’t the “yeah she’s hot but there are girls out there that could be hotter” rationalization, this is a legitimate issue. Choosing someone who doesn’t turn you on is the definition of settling — and it only leads to resentment.
Anyway, the point of all this is simple.
Yes, have an abundance mindset when it comes to women… but don’t use abundance to fuel avoidance.
We like to call out women who wait until they’re “over the hill” to settle down, or who spend their best years “riding the carousel.” And we gleefully point out the consequences of these actions when things don’t work out well for them.
But we also like to delude ourselves that the same choices don’t apply to us as well.
Sure, men have more leeway than women. 40 for us is 30 for them.
And with game and a successful, social lifestyle… you can meet and attract plenty of women well beyond that.
I’m just saying…
Quantity is well in your control, but don’t take quality for granted.
And if you want help discerning the difference?
Which ones to keep, and which ones to discard?
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
