Hey Pat,
I’ve gotten a lot of great advice from you
I’m a bit embarrassed about this question but would really love to hear your take. Having to send this from my junk email account…
I’ve been married for 8 years and started dating my wife 15 years ago, in high school. We have a 1 year old, my wife’s very cute ( butstill has ~25 lbs pregnancy weight) and committed, live in a great home, and I can’t wait to have more kids. We have sex maybe once a week, but I would like it way more often while she’s fine with that amount.
Neither of us dated other people before meeting and I’m feeling like I’ve missed out in a way. I’ve made a significant amount of money through owning businesses I’ve started and have been hitting the gym regularly for 4 years get lean (so wife would sex more)
.I previously never had women hit on me, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s obvious that they’re interested in me. I’ll catch them looking, bumping into me (pre covid) and touching my butt at bars. These are really attractive women, too. I recently experienced one “eye-fucking” me and I couldn’t believe it – made me super nervous, too.
Wife got in when I had nothing, but she saw my potential and stuck with me. We have a great family. I’m a bit depressed at the fact there are so many great looking girls and I’m not going to experience that at all in life (barring unforeseen events). I would love way more sex, and the variety seems incredibly appealing… and yeah, I realize there are huge downsides to that as well. The thought of cheating on my wife and hurting my kid in some way disgusts me.
Would love your take on this. Surely this is a thing that happens to other guys that clean up their acts in early 30’s?
—
Indeed it is, my friend… which is what makes this question such an excellent one.
The manosphere talks a lot about female “hypergamy” — how cruel it is, the amorality behind it.
And all of that is true.
But I will never cease to remind guys it is little more than the female shadow… andwhile we should be aware of it, we should also remember we have our own.
You might be very happy with your wife when things are balanced between you, but when the sexual marketplace starts to shift in your favor… watch out.
Either things change within the relationship, or the resentment sets in. You start to think about all the ways you’re being held back… and that’s when ideas like cheating start to enter the mind.
Bad news, especially if you love your wife, and you’re an ethical guy like the reader who doesn’t want to take such a dark path.
However, the response is not — as you might often hear in “trad” circles — to ignore the situation, and simply pray the thoughts leave your mind (not that there is anything wrong with praying).
The temptation is there because it is lying on fertile grounds.
If you want to remove it, you need to address the root cause.
And the root cause, my friend, is not so much the attention you are receiving from these young attractive women… Rather, it’s because you are not getting your needs met in your relationship, and up until now you have never felt worthy of having them addressed.
The novelty of these women aside, they’re not the main appeal; they’re a proxy.
What you’re looking for is to have the woman you committed to value your commitment enough to a) take her physique seriously and b) fuck you like you could be getting from any other girl.
Just because your wife made a smart decision to get you when you weren’t “ripe,” it doesn’t mean she can assume no one else will take the fruit.
Just because she has you it doesn’t mean she can rest on her laurels.
But from the sounds of it, it’s not so much your wife to blame but you.
Because when has she heard you tell her what you want? When has she seen your conviction that if you don’t get, you’re gone?
I’m not telling you to be harsh about her with this… at first.
But if she’s not detecting the signs that you’re desired by other women, and she’s taking your loyalty for granted…
Then it’s time to have a conversation with her.
Yes, it’s going to be tough. You will have to tell her that you’re not happy about her weight situation, that you’re not happy about the amount of sex you have…
These things will hurt her.
However, they’re GOOD things for her to hear… because they give her an opportunity to deepen the love between you.
Understand:
What women want fundamentally is a great man who desires them.
Unfortunately, most don’t understand in order to get that, there are requirements of them. They are not wired that way… and god knows culture has not helped.
And the result is that they DON’T GET WHAT THEY WANT — because these men either STOP desiring them and leave, or cease becoming great to reconcile their own dissonance about their self-worth (aka, why bother being great when I am not rewarded).
So while the conversation may be difficult and painful, it’s actually HEALTHY for her, because it gives her a chance to grow and receive the desire from you she wants.
It is unlikely much will change from this first conversation. You will have to back it up by action. Once made aware of it, she will have to start to see where things are going if she doesn’t change course.
This DOESN’T mean cheating, but it does mean spending less time around her. It means creating distance.
Tension is inevitable.
But, all growth has such pains.
Anyway, if you want help with transitioning your relationship in such a way.
You should consider working with me.
Because while it’s true, much of dating is what I do…
It’s actually only like 30% of my clientele. The rest is guys in relationships with similar problems as you.
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
