One of my readers asks:
It’s sad we’re at this point where the idea of romance has been questioned… though I understand how we got here.
First, the macro dynamics between men and women changed. Women no longer need providers like they used to; “provisioning gestures” have thus lost much of their value proposition. Second — and most importantly, however — women have gradually become damaged by the degrading cultural and family structure. Women model their behavior and the behavior they want from a man based on their father. Absent fathers mean that women associate love with absence. Abusive fathers mean they associate love with abuse. Weak fathers mean they expect men to cater to them, but don’t respect them for it.
A healthy woman can appreciate a healthy expression of romance (as in, done from a position of abundance not manipulation — more on this in a bit).
But an unhealthy woman cannot. Because she treats herself poorly, men who treat her well are considered beneath her.
(If you’ve wondered why modern women are increasingly preferring violent and degrading forms of sex, you have one of your reasons)
So romance is indeed more complicated than it used to be. And caution doing it is required.
But programming is merely programming, not truth. Your intention when doing something for a woman is what shines through on an unconscious level.
Which is why I encourage men to enjoy romance, so long as it is within the right attitude and context. Because if you control for these, women will swoon.
To elaborate, a little contrast for you: The first girl I ever pursued was a cute underclassman in high school. We got into a “relationship” for a few weeks. I say this in quotes because she never wanted to actually see me. Likely she wanted the status of dating an upperclassman but had minimal interest in yours truly.
But in the beginning, possibility for us perhaps existed. We went on dates. It wasn’t until I got her handmade jewelry to show my sincerity that she ghosted.
8 years later, I sent flowers on Valentine’s Day to a girl who lived across the ocean that I had only met twice and made out with for a bit. My wife tells me this is when she knew I was “different” and began to actually consider dating me.
What was different in these two scenarios?
A couple of things.
But the biggest one was the baseline attraction BEFORE the romance.
I talked about this a few weeks back in response to another post on twitter. But the thing to understand about romance is that because it is a “comfort” trait, it AMPLIFIES attraction — it does not create it.
Every sob story about “women hating romance” is from guys women were NOT attracted to.
But if they are already interested, romance will make them fall in deeper.
I knew, for instance, my future-wife was attracted to me. The desire was there. What was less substantiated was my comfort. I still gave off mild player vibes and moreover I lived far away. A smart woman would not take me too seriously.
But the flowers showed that perhaps there was more than met the eye. It was a very bold gesture from a guy who wasn’t acting needy.
Which was the other crucial reason my romantic act was well received. I knew she wasn’t expecting them. And so while I anticipated a positive response because I understood the mystery this sort of contrast creates, I didn’t much care what her reaction was. If she thought I was “beta” because I did something nice for her, she would NOT be someone I wanted to date.In contrast, with my first “girlfriend” I was trying to BRIBE her with the jewelry. “I want this girl to like me, let me do something romantic.” Big mistake. What happens when you multiply a negative?
That was what happened to my negative desire when I did this.
So to go back to the reader’s question…
First things first, make sure she is actually interested before any romance comes into the picture.
Look for the indicators, how much is she messaging you, how is she around you, etc…
And if indeed she does like you, then do ONE cool, not super-extravagant gesture she is unlikely to expect.
This is best if punctuated by some distance, as it gives mild mixed signals.
Example: You’re not as responsive as usual, but then she gets flowers at her dorm. She will start to wonder if you’re not interested… which will make her blown away when she gets them. Emotional swings.
(Note — not actually recommending this, flowers are likely too much for campus I’d need to know logistics, more details etc… perhaps something she mentioned off-hand that she liked instead)
And finally, start adopting the mindset that you are going to do WHAT YOU WANT rather than think what you “should” do.
This is the same dumb spat guys get into over buying girls dinner, drinks, etc.
Deliberately not getting girls stuff is REMEDIAL reprogramming for guys who are used to giving-to-get.
When you are in your own frame, generosity is a POSITIVE.
I buy things for people because I want to, not because I have some need. (Though I do pay attention. If they never reciprocate, I consider them self-centered and next them)
Anyway, I think you get the idea.
If you want more nuanced support from me, catered directly to your own situation…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
