Saw a very tragic story in the Relationship Reddit, one I wanted to comment on:
Most of the comments are directed against this guy — like he is the “bad one” here. And I get it. He lost his temper, he was mean to her, he scared her. But at the risk of sounding like some people I have not gotten along with much in the past… I am on his side. It’s amazing how women and weak men can find fault in his understandable pain while completely ignoring her own duplicity and cruelty.
The truth is that this guy fucked up less in that moment by chimping out at her, but by dating her to begin with.
Because this woman was alpha widowed. And there are few experiences that can hurt you more than dating a woman in this category.
Now, you might be curious what exactly Alpha Widowing is or means. Generally speaking, it describes a woman who loved a man, and lost him (either to death or departure) and can’t get over him. She can remarry, but never move on.
But I wanted to talk about Alpha Widowing for awhile now, because I don’t think it’s truly understood by the manosphere — and this story gives me a great opportunity.
You see, some characters have attempted to paint “alpha widowing” as a very basic mechanism. The guy is “alpha” — he runs game on her, etc. and thus the woman will always think about him, even if he cheated on her or abused her. No matter who else she dates after, this guy will always own her sexuality.
But this in fact a pretty simplistic way of looking at “alpha widowing.”
Most women vacillate from “alpha” (lover) to “beta” (provider) in their partners because this is their way of trying to get the balanced romantic dynamics they are looking for, and finding both is elusive in most men.
A woman might lust over a part of past relationship, such as the sex, and it might cause her to not fully invest in her new relationship (men do the same thing, btw). But this is not “alpha widowing” — it’s a fragment of it.
Alpha widowing is when a woman had her FULL SPECTRUM man — or at least the fantasy of him — and lost him.
She lost a guy who knew how to fuck her, how to make her feel alive… but who also knew how to make her feel safe and loved. And who most of all UNDERSTOOD and accepted her.
I am very tired of hearing the usual one-idea idiots think the phenomenon of pining over an ex has to do with exclusively with desire elements.
It does not. It occurs when a man represents the fulfillment of a woman’s fantasies and needs.
Steve Irwin, for instance, alpha widowed his wife — and NOT because he was some sort of alpha badass.
He in fact embodied love and life force. No man will compare to his energy, and because of the mark he left on her, it is unlikely she would even “date up” if she could.
Indeed, the real way to alpha widow a girl is to run psychological game on her — a deep form of emotional penetration that extends far beyond your dick.
So in the above story, the problem is this woman’s ex loved her in a way that was pristine. She was aroused, but also loved by him.
His premature death whitewashed whatever negatives even existed in her mind for him. Her fantasy of him remains evergreen.
And as another human, you simply can’t compete with a fantasy.
I was talking to a new client earlier this week, and he mentioned how one of the girls he dated kept bringing up a male friend who died a year or two back. She’d cry when she mentioned him.
It was OBVIOUS that this woman loved the guy; if nothing ever happened between them, she had a crush on him. I have a female friend who suffered for years from a similar phenomenon — her ex was killed, and even though they were broken up at the time because in many ways he was a disaster, it still tied her up emotionally for years. Her next boyfriend and her broke up indirectly because she was still grieving.
Now, this guy wasn’t FULL SPECTRUM so she eventually moved on to a guy who is — I can safely say she is no longer “alpha widowed.”
But this is the imprint of a HIGH ENERGY and HIGH VIBRATION guy on a woman’s emotional field.
The point of all of this?
– Understand the need to dominate a woman’s emotions if you really want to claim her heart
– Don’t date a woman if she’s hung up on the mirage of another guy
And if you don’t know how to do the former, or are trapped in a dynamic with the latter?
You should probably work with me.
Because EVERY guy can “alpha widow” a woman. You can make a woman never really want another guy, ever.
But you’re never going to even be on that territory unless you address any neediness or validation seeking inside of you.
You need to FULLY deal with your bullshit, and understand how a woman’s heart and soul operates.
If you want to learn, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
