Was really backed up on some DMs, so rather than answer them each individually I decided to tackle a bunch of them here:-
QUESTION #1
Hey Pat, was hoping to ask you for some advice. I met this girl on a dating app
(I know I know…) and we texted back and forth and the chemistry was great, but then she stopped responding. I left it for a couple of days before sending another message, and she replied immediately saying she had been really busy and that she’d respond soon, and now it’s been a week and I haven’t heard from her. It’s just a little surprising because our initial communication was going so well. Should I do something, or just let it go? Thanks.
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Almost certainly another guy came into the picture. This is one of the reasons you want to move from app to date as soon as you can. Her interest can change very quickly when a new source of attention comes into the picture, especially when your only interaction to date is remote.
To focus on the actual question, though, sure — you can message her. But it’s unlikely to yield any fruit, especially because the subcommunication indicates you’re much more interested than her, and still hanging onto an interaction from weeks back. If you were going to say anything, you’d make a joke, keep it light… but yeah, not a good situation.
Which is the real point here. You shouldn’t be expending mental energy on a woman like this, especially a woman you met on an app. Never take online “connection” seriously… it is a mirage until you meet up.
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QUESTION #2
Hey how’s it going, I’m sure you get multiple dm’s asking similar questions on mbti, dating and energy etc. But I recently did the keys2cognition test, and got INTJ, ENTJ and INTP as best fit types. When typed via video, I usually get typed ISTP, INTJ or ISTJ. Any tips on how to determine which cognitive type I am ? Thanks
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Keys2cognition should give you the cognitive elements, which is what you really want to determine type. But unfortunately you often need someone to do outside assessments. You’ve read the descriptions I take it, which one did you feel resonate the most with you?
I want to emphasize with type, to the extent that you should care about it at all, that tests are VERY imperfect. They are not good at assessing you holistically. You need to engage with these different personality descriptions, and assist in narrowing down the options.
No, that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it on your own. People mistype themselves all the time. But taking an active role in thinking about this will get you closer to the answer.
Once you’ve done that, you can make some self-descriptions / note confusions to me (or people with greater expertise than me) and get some outside support in pinpointing it.
Moving on…
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QUESTION #3
Pat just went on a 2nd date with a really attractive girl. She said she broke up with her ex bf 2 years ago and he was a psycho. Said she moved out of their shared while he was at work. Is this a red flag
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Most likely yes, it is. You NEVER want to hear someone talking about their exes with any sort of emotional charge, especially trash-talking them. I’m not sure if she made it as an offhand statement, in which case it’s less of a big deal. But you always need to ask yourself a) why they still care, years later and b) how they got involved with someone like that to begin with.
OWNERSHIP is what you are looking for when you see someone reveal bad past experiences.
“Yeah my ex was nuts and I had to leave his apartment when he was at work… but I learned a lot from the experience about myself and who to look for in the future.”
Any time a woman acts like a victim, you know you are dealing with a disaster waiting to happen.
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QUESTION #4
Skip to the end of this one if you want, and I’ll give a summary as I know it’s difficult to read:-this chick said I took advantage of her (n molested her) she did not use the word molested… I met her 2 months ago through family n she seemed really friendly like unusually open n friendly, used to text me everyday, so I thought she has high interest in me, n she has many guy frnds (where I live things go really slow, south India, ) so we both went to a city to write exams n she knew no one but me… So I used to flirt with her n she used to smile I started escalating physically n she didn’t say no, she hugged me full body hug… I pulled her close a couple of times… When I kissed her she gave me a closed lip kiss but was smiling the whole time so I thought she liked it but we r both young 20…n girls here aren’t that fast… She confronted me after the kiss, we both sat down, she asked me, ” Why did u kiss me? Yesterday I couldn’t sleep n kept thinking why u kissed me…. I mean people kiss when they r in a relationship right? We r jus frnds n not even talked abt a relationship n u just kissed me, no one did this”….. Before this day we went to a movie n I played with her waist by putting my hand inside her shirt, she was smiling but was trying to push my hand away… So I thought its ok n i progressed for boobs n touched them n groped, she tried to stop but I saw her smiling before n when I touched her breasts smile faded, immediately I asked whether she’s crying n pulled back, she said no and we talked like nothing happened n thennext day I kissed her n she asked me we r not in relationship. … .. She used to say people talk intimate things with their boyfriends right? (When I flirt sexually) … Is she inexperienced?
She said let’s forget this when we get tO our city ok? Then I complied but after cmng here I escalated again n she ignored me for 2 weeks, then yesterday I asked her y
She said, ” I thought u as a very gud frnd but u took advantage of me in that city m touched me everywhere, didn’t u think what a girl would think if u do those to her? (She cried at this point) still I gave a chance to u by saying let’s start fresh but u haven’t changed so I had to leave u alone bcos I can’t say this to someone n ruin ur life, go live happily n don’t get disturbed…I was so kind toward u how could u even think of doing that to me?
Before cmng to our city n after me touching her many times in that city she kept on texting n calling me… Y? As of now she blocked me
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TL;DR he tried escalating with a girl, she was enjoying it in the moment but then afterwords accused him of being inappropriate with her, ruining her life etc., even though around that time she was still contacting him regularly. What does it mean?
It means the girl has enormous amounts of sexual shame and blamed the guy for her feelings.
This is a common thing with women, and it’s why the whole campus feminist tribunals a few years back were so devastating for college aged men. A lot of women had “regret” and claimed their consensual (or even self-instigated or merely attempted) sexual escapades were rape. They did this for various reasons, but most commonly due to embarrassment and shame.You see, women who have poor self-image and poor awareness / acceptance of their sexual desires get a LOT of dissonance when a guy creates those feelings in her. She is horny, but feels like a bad person because she’s horny (especially if there is no commitment from the guy).
So she takes those bad feelings and blames them on the guy who created them.
Especially when her attraction for the guy has diminished enough that she no longer has mixed feelings (aka why the girl above got more extreme in her impressions as time went on and she had written him off).
He is the “devil” who took advantage of her, even though she was of course very excited about the whole process at the time.
The lesson?
DON’T DATE WOMEN LIKE THIS
The reader ignored clear signs that she had dissonance, and actually put more gasoline on this fire. The second a girl starts to accuse you of going too far with her after the fact, you need to PULL BACK. Sometimes it’s just temporary craziness on the part of the girl, but very often it’s a sign they’re disturbed.
Remember the biggest red flag is cognitive dissonance. Because it means a woman’s emotions are unstable and can go in any direction.
Anyway, onto the next question…
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QUESTION #5
Hi Pat, Can you give some advice to handling situations with women where they have a large instagram following?
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I’m assuming this is a classic girl instagram, with lots of glamor shots and attention-seeking.
Short answer: don’t date them. But in all seriousness, proceed with caution. Because these women are getting BOMBARDED with thirst from other guys. They are thus very likely to play games.
Best way to handle it is to NOT puff up her confidence around her looks and her instagram. Negs are important in this context, poking fun at her photos.
Don’t get carried away with this, of course, but the point is that you are not her “number one fan” and you’re not impressed by her retarded poses.
You like her for DIFFERENT reasons — you see a deeper side of her.
Do not be like other guys unless you want to get treated like them.
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Lot of different questions, no?
Well, such is my range of expertise.
Which is why if you want to level up this area of your life… you should consider working with me.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
