A tweet went viral the other day, which led to some pretty interesting differences in opinion:
As you might have expected, a lot of guys — including yours truly — were throwing it back at her. This woman cancelled minutes before a date and thought the guy had a problem because it bothered him. You will hardly see a better example of a woman with entitlement issues.
But others looked at the tweet differently. They thought his response was weak and that he handled the situation terribly.
I get it.The guy got emotional and was clearly upset. And while enforcing boundaries is important, the more reactive you are… the less you subcommunicate you are actually in control. Acting unfazed is important if you want to control the frame; moreover, it wouldn’t have been too difficult to get her on another date if he had played it cool.
But the reason I chose not to emphasize these factors on Twitter is because they are tactical considerations, and the relevance of tactics depends entirely on your strategy.
(Read: Tactics, Strategy, and Women)
For instance, a lot of guys in the manosphere are dating to hook up with girls. Ergo they view this kind of response as a “test” of sorts — it’s part of the game. If you want to get with the girl, you need to ride these waves. Play it cool.
They’re not wrong.
But what if your strategy is something different? What if your main consideration isn’t getting the notch, but filtering women with bad attitudes?
In that case, the guy’s response doesn’t much matter. Because he’s already made his determination of her… and is walking away.
Guys who think he “fucked this up” need to realize: You don’t lose when you push away women who don’t take your time seriously.
All this was in essence was a boundary: don’t cancel late on me because it’s inconvenient for you.
It was aggressively stated, of course. But its effect was to produce a fork in her behavior — you either date me differently, or you don’t date me.
She could have apologized, and everything would have been fine between them. Instead she saw zero fault in what she did, and took it to twitter for validation… which (if there was any doubt) proved:
- she’s self-absorbed and low empathy — a red flag
- work is always going to take priority over people — a red flag
- what he said hit close to home (aka it called out an accurate pattern in her behavior)
Now, would I have done what he did?
No.
People have different personalities. Some are much more regimented and don’t like last minute changes (if I had to guess, the guy in the exchange is an ISTJ).
I’m not. I’m pretty flexible. Moreover I don’t take these things personally. First flake for a girl, it’s no big deal. Second one — I call it out, playfully. Only on the third one do I make a point to be direct.
I understand shit happens, and I have other stuff I can always do. And since I like having that same flexibility for myself, I allow it in others.
That said, each flake reduces my investment. I just choose to convey this more subtly by spending time with other women, rather than call it out immediately.
Remember: women follow your actions. Which means less is more when it comes to talking.
It brings to mind something Nash said to a woman when she was late again on their second date:
With a smile, he said (paraphrased) “You know, we’re just getting to know each other. But what thing I’ve noticed about you… you’re late a lot.”
If our guy in the exchange just said “Do what you’ve got to do. Already have plans this weekend”
She would get the message. And he’d know if she was worth any additional investment based on how open she made her schedule for him the following week.
Because you see… the real thing here you need to screen for is compliance and respect.
And cancelling last minute doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of this, rather, her actions AFTER her cancellation do.
You need to think with nuance, and get to the heart of her intention. To discern EXACTLY what kind of woman you’re dealing with.
Because this discernment — or lack thereof — is what causes guys to get trapped in bad relationships.
And if you want help developing this very difficult yet very essential skill?
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
