An interesting tweet by Michael Sebastian got some traction yesterday, as did my response:
Going to elaborate on it, because I think it’s something trad guys in particular struggle to understand about attraction.
Cutting to the point:
People have all sorts of dumb fantasies about what women used to want, as if female desire has changed.
It hasn’t.
What has changed is the cultural context.
In the past in the west, because men had economic power and led the courtship process, gifts, flowers, and romantic gestures were considered basic, polite ways of expressing interest.It was an outgrowth of medieval chivalry, where the knight committed himself to great deeds to win over the heart of the woman.
This was the culture, but from an attractions standpoint it was always a veneer.It was a social expression of a man’s worth as a provider, done mostly to qualify himself to other men (like his competition and the woman’s father).
But these things never won over a woman’s heart.
Understand:
The man did such things to show the woman she was desired, but to the extent that it made an impact on her attraction depended entirely on whether she was already attracted to the guy.
As I said in my tweet, romance amplifies attraction, because it amplifies FANTASY.
But if the woman is not attracted, all it amplifies is the woman’s discomfort. Because she is NOT interested and the gestures only feel like imposition — causing her to feel guilt or disgust.
Yes, women often married such men historically, or were “won over” by them.
But this was under substantial social pressure, and you can argue were never anything more than “acceptable” it-could-be-worse arrangements to the woman.
Nerds who sent love letters and poetry to women HAVE never turned them on, and if you have this stupid fantasy rid yourself of it immediately.
Women have been attracted to men of action and men of imagination.
Men who know how to create tension and cultivate fantasy.
Men who make a woman FEEL.
Poetry can make a woman feel.
But unless you are a handsome enigma, your poetry will only come across as neediness.
Which is why some guys say “romance is dead” and others, such as yours truly, have found it to be a nuclear asset in my attraction arsenal.
They don’t understand they need to create the spark before they feed the fire.
In defiance of retarded pick up dogmas, I sent my wife (then an early-stage international fling) flowers for valentine’s day.
It BLEW her away that I would do something like that, and set me apart from every other man she dated.
Because she was already attracted to me, and this amplified the aura of who I was. It was gasoline on a fire I had already begun.
But you better believe if I brought flowers to our first date a month earlier, she would have been immediately turned off.
The moral of the story?
Think with nuance.
And if you need help with that?
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
