Got a question from a subscriber the other day, more or less asking the above.
It’s a bit of a general question, and so is probably better answered in a blog post (maybe I will create one, one of these days…)
But anyway, to spitball…
The most important things you NEED to do after a break-up are:
– Understanding what went wrong
– Forgiving both yourself AND her
The former requires a good deal of introspection. And HONESTLY, to be done really well, requires a coach who can take you through it… because there is a 95% chance you are missing something big in your assessment.
(I do this regularly with new clients, and I think there’s been only one time where the guy had already discerned the heart of the issue on his own — and even in this case, some pieces were still missing in his analysis)
The latter, meanwhile, is less “complicated” but can be in fact much more emotionally challenging to do (which is another reason I create space for this in my coaching). But the reason to do it is because you NEED it to release pain and actually open your heart to someone else.
All that said, I think the reader had in mind some practical tips when he made his request.
So, the first thing I’d recommend is ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE.
Guys hate to hear this part, because they’re so alpha they never feel any emotional pain.
But the truth is, if you cared at ALL about the girl you were with, you need to allow yourself the space to feel sad and to cry.
I’ve had this problem often with clients. They get so frustrated that they miss their ex. “I really miss her Pat, what do I do?”
Well, you ALLOW that emotion to exist… and to pass through you.
NO, that doesn’t mean you call her up and vent out your emotions like a bitch.
But you accept that you feel the way you do, and if necessary, let yourself cry.
There is nothing wrong with it, and it will help you move on much faster than you would otherwise.
Crying is emotional release, and each time you cry over your ex is less energy that you allow to be directed towards her.
This doesn’t mean spend your days moping around, obviously. But it’s pretty normal in the first 1-3 months after a serious relationship to have moments. Give yourself a minute or 5 to let it out, either alone or with someone who you really trust.
And then have a good laugh.
Which brings us to #2.
SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS.
When things ended with my ex-girlfriend, I was in a bad place.
My hair had just started to thin. I had lost a TON of weight and didn’t look very good. And because I had just moved back from south america, I was unemployed and living with my parents.
And worst of all, due to some bizarre circumstances delaying their move-in date, my pregnant sister, her husband, and their other two children were also squeezed into the place.
Normally, it would be great to have so much family around (family can often substitute for friends). But the pregnant women in my family are notoriously crazy.
So let’s just say the energy was pretty terrible for healing.
Fortunately, I had great friends, and spent 12 out of my first 14 days back sleeping over their places.
Which was an ENORMOUS source of not only sorely needed distractions and fun, but emotional support.
Understand:
The things that hurts people the most after a break-up is LONELINESS.
So while of course take *some* time to yourself to process, do not indulge feelings of isolation. This is what causes people to fall into depressions, fantasize about their exes, and ultimately not move on.
Which brings us to the final action:
START DATING AGAIN.
Depending on the length of your relationship, it can be good to take a few months to yourself.
But decoupling is going to happen much easier once you remind yourself that there are other people out there.
And you are only going to viscerally feel that reminder when you get back out in the field.
This doesn’t mean you need to go have random sex, though depending on your values, maybe a little bit of this can be OK.
Just note that you don’t want to distract yourself with hedonism, as this tends to leave you feeling more empty — generally the best “rebound” is a Tier 2 girl.
All this said… I STRONGLY do not recommend getting into a serious relationship immediately. Having fun, regaining your own identity (which tends to get obscured in a serious relationship) is important if you are going to enter into a new relationship healthily.
The whole idea is to not recreate the mistakes of the past.
And the best way to avoid that?
Working with me.
Because I won’t only give you a full inventory of the patterns that led to your last break up…
But I’ll shed light on the really deep, dark things that have been sabotaging your relationships with women from the beginning.
And not only will I “shift” them… but I’ll show you exactly what to do differently, and how.
Apply here if you want my help: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
