A reader writes in:
Its a first for me usually id manuver well but I really am kinda stumped here.
long story short remember I said I had a LTR and I thought it would work and end in successful marriage?
Well I think I met my potential wife lol….(makes no sense different woman) morals and vibe align perfectly to the points its scary.
infidelity occurred we didnt have sex, just shared a kiss and a few touches (first time for this ever). havent fessed up to current girlfriend yet…I will but its a hard time for her she just got into an accident and has head trauma. (all this happend within last week and yesterday btw)
The new girl still heavily adores me so she says, but she said she labels me as a cheater (fair and understandable its not habitual behavior but shes not wrong I did make a mistake) and its hard to trust me. Id like to repair that, because honestly cheating is not apart of my character but I guess there was a stronger pull to her than my will power allowed (and shes not even what Id consider a 10 but her vibe is 10).
as for my current she knows nothing so our relationship hasnt changed but my concept or belief of love has. Did I even love her? am I wasting my time? wouldnt trade her for the world ya know because shes an amazing woman but damn she doesnt deserve this either 2 of them. Im not wallowing in selfpity here. Im just very introspective. most my male friends I speak to basically say just leave it and let it pass as it could just be temporary…but I value your opinion higher.
(mind you id like to get back in the ‘good books’ of the other lady, maybe just as friends atleast)
——
The guy asked me to really tear into him, so here goes…
First off, there is 100% infatuation going on with the new girl. I am not saying that a lot of what’s observed isn’t there… but the flip between one girl being perfect for marriage, and then the other (“did I even love the first one?”) this is a sign of fantasy projection rather than actual objective analysis.
And a key part of all of it is our friend’s need for validation.
Notice he hasn’t told his girlfriend about the cheating. The rationalization is probably her head trauma (“she couldn’t handle it right now”) but the real reason is he doesn’t want her to think less of him – to lose investment.
It’s the same for the new “fantasy” girl he had the little make out session with. He wants to at least “stay friends” with her… which is just his way of keeping her as an orbiter. Having his cake, and eating it too.
I would ask him what it is about the new girl vs the old girl that differentiates them so much. Why this sudden flip? Because from what I’ve heard, they sound very similar… so it seems like he is just trying to recreate the same relationship with a new girl (who has the exciting benefit of being unexplored territory).
His chances with the new girl are low due to the infidelity. She will never forget that she was the “other woman.” The only way to repair it is to stop talking to her now, and not immediately pursue her after breaking things off with his current girl.
Meanwhile, his chances with the old girl have also taken a big hit. If he doesn’t tell her the truth, the prospect of the new girl will nevertheless haunt him, and he will resent his girlfriend. And if he does tell her, their relationship will likely never be the same.
The way out lies in trying to find out what’s going on in HIS head.
What was dissatisfying in his relationship? What is so appealing about the new girl?
Because these likely fantasies are coming from something deeper within him, that has been unaddressed… which is likely connected to his need to be needed.
You see, guys NEVER find themselves in these sort of dilemmas when they have a strong sense of internal validation.
They know what they want, they can see women clearly for what they offer, and they make a decision.
Which why truthfully, while I’m sure both girls are great, I doubt they are everything the reader has described.
What is most amazing about these girls is that they both adore him.
And this ego trap is the one you have to sort through in your interactions with women.
Yes, girls will “get you” this way via girl game.
But even when you really do have all the options, your ego blinds you to making healthy, honest decisions with them.
Which is why I recommend the guy pursue the path of honesty and stop putting so much of an idealization on EITHER of the girls.
Let the chips fall where they may. Maybe take some time away from both of them.
Because why should he need them?
Anyway, some tough talk. But I have nothing but love for the guy as I say it.
I’ve been in this situation before, as have countless guys.
But in the end you need to kill the boy, and become the man.
Which is more or less what I help you to do in coaching.
Because all your problems with women are due to two things: dishonesty and weakness.
Which are really the same thing.
You won’t tell your woman the truth. You won’t tell her what you want. You won’t enforce boundaries. You won’t let her go.
Maybe because you don’t want to admit these things to yourself (and can’t see them).
Or maybe because you are just too afraid to.
Either way, that’s why I’m here.
To shine a light on all your bullshit and give you the support to address it.
If you want to work with me, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS If you prefer something cheaper and more hands-off, the masterclass is also available.
