A reader writes in, with a particularly juicy dilemma:
Hey man, so Im in a pickleI don’t have trouble getting with girls anymore. However I now have trouble handling them. So I moved to Spain and have just wanted to explore (places and women) and definitely not settle down. I started hooking up with this high school teacher here (33) who said how she hasn’t felt love in years and is totally cool with a fuck friend relationship while helping me learn Spanish.
Obviously we hang out and get closer over time. Until she finally asks me if I want her more than a friend. I (24) am def not ready to pack it in. I have some feelings for her but I don’t think I’m mature enough in this field to settle down yet. I tell her that and she says she understands and is thankful I thought her to love again..
So this American girl comes here in the same program as me. 23, hot, and she wants me. She’s kinda of all over me and we work together so see each other every day. Yet the 33 year old has been an amazing confidant this whole time for me and even planned a trip for us on a weekend off so I can see Madrid. Unfortunately we had this big friends giving dinner with all the people in my program and the mutual friend who introduced me to (33) invited her to it as well..
So the American girl is all over me all night in front of (33). I had not mentioned the American girl to 33 (the mutual friend most likely did) and at the end of the night she texted me very disappointed because of how I acted right in her face. I apologise and genuinely feel terrible because I know how she (33) likes me but I cannot figure out how else I could have gone about the situation. Please some adviceLike should I have set more boundaries from the beginning? Or been more transparent about my intentions?
——
Ok, this is a really fun one.
But before I answer I must ask… what are your intentions? This wasn’t mentioned, and the “way” to handle this is based on this.
Do you want to keep hooking up with the 33 year old? Or have you chosen the 23 year old, and just want to let her down easy?
The 23 year old “knows” about you and the teacher. This was her marking her territory, scaring off the competition.
Now, I don’t mean to say that she knows knows what’s going on. But women can sense the tension and the interest of other women.
At any rate I don’t know how the reader reacted to the 23 year old’s behavior. It sounds like he tolerated her hanging on.
He could have talked to her about not being a fan of PDA (public displays of affection), but if the reader has chosen the 23 year old, overdoing this is low ROI… she will start creating drama, as she’ll feel his intention is to protect his chances with another woman.
But what I really want to do is a call out an elephant in the room.
Because what it sounds like here, is the guy not only still wants to hook up with the 33 year old… he prefers her. His dilemma is the other girl is younger and hotter — high-end “pussy on a platter” — even if the psychological attraction just isn’t there.
The 33 year old sounds like she has depth, even if it is a tragic depth, and that he feels understood by her. Whereas the 23 year old is immature and simple.
What to do?
Well, I can only speak for myself.
But while sex with a hot girl is wonderful, and there are charms to that simple childish femininity, the exciting thing about dating is the real intimacy and romance.
I don’t know how long he’s going to be staying there. The timeframe plays into the decision.
But I’d make sure he re-emphasizes his interest in the 33 year old, and even makes her more of a priority.
Make her the “primary” girl, so to speak, with the other one a side piece.
This isn’t sustainable long-term.But, given his transience there, in the short-term it’s both the correct strategic and tactical play.
The 33 year old understands the score and will likely still see him… but only if she feels “above” the 23 year old in the pecking order. It’s a matter of self-esteem for her.
The 23 year old, in contrast, will likely be outraged at the overt possibility of sharing. But she doesn’t know the details, and so long as the space isn’t overdone… the sense that he isn’t fully claimed will keep her “working hard” so to speak.
Worst case scenario, she finds out… but she’s not the primary anyway, so you don’t mess up the relationship you actually care about. And if all of this sounds too complicated?
Then do the simple, “normal” thing and just choose one of them.
Love isn’t fair, and one of the very real burdens of getting good with women is the fact that you will break hearts regularly. While the power is exciting, if you’re a sensitive soul (as I am) this is something that will wear on you over time.
I got out of the game not only for love, but because I genuinely cared about the women I dated, and I realized I was hurting the majority of them.
Understand, I didn’t just “attract” these women, or turn them on sexually.
I penetrated deep into their hearts and souls.
After a month or two girls would tell me that they felt more understood by me than their ex-boyfriends of years.
The commitment was casual, but the connection was not.
Some of these girls would message me years after we were broken up… even while I was engaged.
Suffice to say, what I “did” to these girls had a powerful affect on them.
But what I did is not something the gurus in the manosphere talk much about.
In fact, for all their talk about “alpha widowing” girls… you might even say they’re BLIND to it.
Lucky for you… I talk about this not only extensively with my clients.
But in my very-soon-to-be-released course.
Speaking of which, gotta get back to that.
If you want to work with me, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
