I put it out on the interwebs the other day a little drama that occurred in my broader social circle:
Now, before I dive into this, I must defend myself.
Someone asked why I didn’t just say off the bat I wasn’t interested.
2 reasons:
First, I’m not sure what my troll’s social world is like… but in genteel yuppie circles, when you’re personally invited somewhere, unless you want to come across like a massive asshole, you don’t tell people in your network “No thanks I’m not interested in hanging out with you.”
I know manosphere bros are super tough and alpha, and do whatever they want (online).
But as someone whose last problem is making friends, I’m going to stick with what I know and avoid acting like a social retard and creating enemies. 999/1000 times if you decline an invitation on multiple occasions, and aren’t very responsive, people will get the hint without much of a bruised ego. This was that 1/1000 times.
Second, the fundamental reason was because this guy created an awkward social proposition — the kind of proposition most people know not to make, but no one wants to explicitly state is off-limits because it’s “anti-modern.”In other words, it’s awkward for me, but most importantly my wife, to say out loud “I’m not coming because you invited me to hang out with two single girls, one of whom was very flirtatious to me, and you didn’t invite my wife even though she was at the same place we all met”
This is too much subtext being brought to the surface, which allows the spread of gossip. This should be obvious… but whatever.
(these people wouldn’t last 24 hours in 17th century Versailles)
In the end, I HAD to go direct, because the guy didn’t take the hint and kept pushing.
Motherfucker turned me into a miniature Mike Pence.
Oh well, I suppose there are worse things.
(Like not having any social awareness)
Anyway… the reason I tell this story is not simply to shed light on the absolute importance of learning to “read between the lines” if you want to expand your network (and date the women in it).
Indeed, it’s not even to examine the treacherous nature of the girl in question, who spent time at the party blocking out my wife and trying to isolate me (and who I also suspect of being a clandestine part of this set up).
It’s to emphasize the attitude of the guy who was pushing this.
You see, this guy has some attachment issues.
Quite serious attachment issues in fact.
I don’t know his childhood, but I know he was severely abused by his ex-gf who had borderline personality disorder (and who is also his baby-momma).
And my guess is it’s because he’s an anxious guy, she was able to play him like a fiddle… because no matter what she did, he’d stick around trying to make it work.
Which is his fundamental problem.
He can’t read cues because he is too busy trying to get his needs met. And if you meet his needs once, he’ll cling to you as long as he can.Hence why he persisted in trying to get this group set up even 6 months after our single conversation.
I talked to him at this party, and dug into his story DEEP.
I validated him. Made him feel listened to.
(Note: these are some of the same powerful techniques I teach clients for women)
And I actually DID care. I WAS interested.
But while this was a normal conversation to me at a party, for him it felt like a kind of connection and understanding he had rarely ever experienced.
He needed to recreate that event again. (And lest you think I am exaggerating… his exact words to me this past week, when insisting the small group made sense, was “we had an amazing conversation that we all remember months later”)
So he continued to push until I actively had to tell him off.
The point about all of this?
Well, there are two.
One, when you know people’s vulnerabilities, you can really make them feel amazing if you meet them feel understood… though you also need to be careful about getting them addicted to said validation.
And two, if you have deeper psychological trauma, you are going to struggle with women… not only because you will get into your own head, but because you will be so self-fixated you will never be able to accurately see what is going on with others.
In other words, neediness fucks with your awareness. Which is why mere “game” peddlers don’t get the results with clients I get.
Because I don’t simply show you “what” to do.
(although I most certainly do)
I help you to heal your baggage.
I get to the HEART of your problems. Your insecurities, your weaknesses, your fears…
And I rewire them, so you become self-contained and confident.
If you’re looking for such healing, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
