As you know, I love my little eavesdrops in this cafe.
Tonight’s flavor was a conversation between two young, 22 year old aspiring actresses — one Romanian, one American.
This chat was a charming one to listen to.
Like most artistic girls, these ladies had a natural beauty and femininity to them.
And the girls had clearly just bonded recently, and this was the solidifying of a brand new friendship… one based on the chemistry should last awhile.
So they were really spilling their hearts out, connecting in that rapid, eager way only young women know how to do. There were a lot of interesting tid-bits from their convo that I could share.
For instance, their anti-woke / PC culture attitudes…
Their exploration of Religion, Freud, and their own sexuality…
But what struck me as particularly interesting was actually the Romanian’s discussion of her current, and by the sounds of it, not-much-longer-to-be boyfriend.
The gist:
The Romanian has been dating a guy (with the exception of a one year gap) for 6 years.
She started dating him when she was 16. He was 24.
(If you think that’s extreme, she had actually started dating when she was 13. Her first boyfriend was 21 at the time)
The American was scandalized by this, but as the Romanian noted… this isn’t uncommon or frowned upon in many countries in Europe. Both parties in fact look “cool” because of it.
Anyway, as we were saying… things are a bit on the rocks with her current beau. The reason?
He’s the son of a wealthy businessman, and so he doesn’t do anything, gets whatever he wants whenever he asks for it… but in spite of all of this, he’s not very chill, and is pretty controlling about what she thinks and does.
In other words: he’s a rich little european b*tch.
From the sounds of it, she’s only been in Manhattan a couple of months. He’s still in Romania, so they’ve been long distance a couple of months.
But while she hasn’t pulled the plug yet, it won’t be long now.
She’s in that stage of breakup where a woman is basically talking about how she’s not attracted to the guy, sees him as a brother (she said this), but isn’t quite at the point of disgust to escape altogether.
Personally, I think you could boil a lot of their macro problems down to the fact that she is a young, attractive girl, starstruck in Manhattan… meanwhile he’s halfway around the world, with no real plans to move there.
But it’s far from just that.
First, their ages.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again.
But people change a lot as they leave their teens and grow into their 20s. Don’t expect the girl you start with to be the woman you end with.
When she started dating this guy, she was a child. He was a cool, rich older guy… someone she could have fun with, someone who could expose her to parties and traveling and all sorts of adult escapes.
But now, she’s an adult. And for the first time in her life, she’s growing on her own.
Her personality is evolving, as is her sense of self. And so her priorities and behavior are starting to change.
Rather than roll with this change and encourage it, however, the guy is frightened by it. His “little girl” is becoming her own woman… which he does not like. He wants to keep her in her box, rather than let her follow a natural, developmental trajectory.
Something that not only underlines his own lack of self-confidence and agency, but something that guaranteed to push her further away from him.
Because trying to control a woman only yields short-term victories in exchange for long-term defeat.
Understand: when you constrain someone’s development, they do not become more attracted to you.
They come to resent you.
You are stopping them from evolving. You are making them bored. And you are subcommunicating to them that they are moving past you, aka, you are lower value than them.
Look gents, PLEASE listen… because what I’m about to tell you is a major reason most of you have shitty relationships or have lost ones you cared about in the past.
Healthy relationships are CONSTANTLY evolving.
The dynamic you and your girlfriend have in the beginning will be different than the dynamic you have 2 years later.
People like to think this is because you’re out of the “honeymoon phase.” You know each other better as time goes on. But while this is true, it is merely a partial truth.
The reason relationships get stale or boring isn’t because there is “more familiarity.” This is superficial.Rather, it’s because the couple has stopped GROWING TOGETHER.
Maybe both parties are stuck in a rut. Maybe one is changing and the other isn’t.
Maybe they’re both evolving, but in different directions.
The point is that there is nothing new going on, there is nothing new to discover in the other person… usually because the other person is actively hostile to any change, because it SCARES them.Healthy relationships can’t look backwards. They MUST look forwards.
They must encourage each other EVEN WHEN it’s scary, even when there appears to be a threat of the relationship dynamics changing…
Because if your relationship doesn’t support your growth, it is not a worthwhile relationship.
It’s a prison, based on neediness and insecurity… not self-actualization.
And I guarantee the party trapped will at least always be looking for a way out.
Anyway, clearly there are risks involved in allowing someone the leeway to explore.
Sometimes a party finds in their exploration that the relationship isn’t the right fit for them. That the trajectories of the two parties are irreconcilable.
But guess what?
That would happen either way.
And by allowing the exploration, you in fact dramatically decrease the chance of it happening.
Because love that allows freedom is a love that is rare.
Anyway, I know putting all this stuff into practice is tough. Chances are you will mess it up over and over again.
Which is why I recommend you work with me.
Reading an email isn’t going to make you “get it.”
When the shit hits the fan, when your anxiety kicks in… you will sabotage your relationship with your woman.
That is… unless you’ve got someone there to keep your head on straight. Someone to give you OBJECTIVE perspective. To keep your frame strong, to keep you leaning into TRUTH not need.
Anyway, up to you. Some people need to lose everything before they start to “get it.” Some need to experience the worst kind of emotional pain before they start to prioritize.
For those who prefer to avoid it…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
