One thing peddled quite a bit by the mainstream is the idea of repression, particularly sexual repression.
It’s a very freudian concept, one at this point almost taken as a truism by modern dating and relationship writers:
Repression is the #1 problem in intimate relationships.
Commonly, you hear it directed towards anti-porn crusaders, religious conservatives or even simply people who are in monogamous relationships.
If you’re not sticking stuff up your butt with strangers, you’re just not really being honest with yourself about what you want.
Well, is it true?
Lol.
I made it tough to respond “yes” with the above.
But actually there is a bit of truth to it…
(Wait for it, nuanced take incoming…)
Repression IS the death of relationships.
The reason that so many relationships collapse IS because the parties repressed themselves and their needs.
They didn’t allow or share their fantasies; their desire for each other faded, their intimacy stagnated.
Things got too “vanilla.” And they didn’t feel like they could be themselves with their partner.
Well, case closed then, right?
Start to express and explore those fantasies with your lady, unless you want a dead bedroom.
Except there’s just one problem.
One of these things doesn’t equal the other.
Repression might be the death of relationships… but the opposite of repression isn’t indulgence.
It’s acknowledgement.
What I’m about to say is really important, so please listen.
Your fantasies are not usually things you actually want.
Usually they are a result of trauma, or imprinting via psychological warfare.
(Porn IS psychological warfare; when you watch it you are letting someone reprogram your brain)
And pursuing them can send you down a hedonistic path, that will lead you only to explore more and more… seeking a higher and higher dopamine spike.
It’s true that if you have a persistent fantasy, and you don’t acknowledge it, you are going to create internal issues that will rebound onto the relationship.
But the reason you want to acknowledge the fantasy is simply to eliminate the shame and allow it to release.
This is the thing that “trad” people don’t get… but the “new agers” understand all too well.
Shame is not only a control mechanism, it’s an amplifier of dark ideas.
What you resist, persists.
What you repress, remains.
Self-flagellation is the WORST idea created by religion since the idea of man. And yet so is self-indulgence.
Because here’s the thing…
While shame might create a negative dynamic inside of your psyche, where you become both victim and critic…
Generally shame ISN’T a baseless feeling.
It’s your conscience telling you that you shouldn’t do something.
That your spirit will be DEGRADED if you pursue it.
What should you do instead?
Well, there are some specific approaches.
Approaches I share with my clients, who almost universally suffer from shame (even if they don’t realize it).
Approaches that heal them.
Anyway, if you’re interested in being my next transformation, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
