A reader writes in:
Something I became aware of from this relationship is that I have a need to help the other person, and I start to become drained if I’m not. I started to look back at previous relationships and I noticed a trend that even included women who were very broken, and while I know my ex had plenty of issues she needed to work through, the fact that she wasn’t willing to let me help in this process seemed to seriously stress and wear me out. I started to lose my frame a bit, and I wasn’t too fond of how flippant our time together was becoming. I couldn’t care less about batting eyelashes at each other, I want to share souls. I’ve been told before that I tend to get really intense very quickly in relationships, even friendships, but I’m not sure that’s something I care to hide about myself.
I guess my question is twofold: is my desire to help others something I need to “demand” from a lover, and should I always attempt to curb my intensity, even if I’m not losing frame?
Thanks again for your insights!
—-
I’m not going to answer this question directly, since the assumption is off, but the reader mentioned something important that a lot of guys (particularly intuitives) fall into in their relationships.
They want to go DEEP with their partners.
Penetrate them not only in body, but in soul.
Being honest — it’s a powerful ability.
You can have really amazing relationships if you do this…
But you need to do it the right way.
This guy mentioned he was losing frame in the relationship as he tried to do this.It’s not a surprise.
He was trying to get close to the girl out of NEED.
He was trying to “fix her” out of NEED.Which means deep down he didn’t really care about solving her problems, or even making her “better” (which by the way, subcommunicates to her that she isn’t good enough now)…
He cared about his own validation.
Burn this shit in your mind gentlemen:
It is NEVER your responsibility to fix a woman.
Moreover, it is not your ABILITY to do so.
People can only save themselves.
You can guide her. You can support her.
But it’s up to her to change.
It’s her choice.
If she is not giving you all that is there, because she’s hurting… you can ask her what’s going on.
You can tell her what you think.
And you can let her know what sort of relationship you want.
But always remember that when you are trying to fix other people issues, you are subcommunicating neediness.
You’re telling people you lack boundaries, because you’re so willing to violate theirs.
Look, there is nothing wrong with some intensity (though I don’t recommend you lead with it in your relationships).
But most of the time when people are being intense, it’s because they are taking things outside of their control too seriously.
And guess what: only you are under your control.
Which is incidentally one of the biggest things I’ve learned from coaching.
You see, like the reader I have a bit of a “savior complex”
I don’t like seeing people fail, I don’t like abandoning those who are struggling. So I go out of my way to help them.
Or at least, I used to.
Over the past year I’ve “killed” the impulse.
Why?
First, because it was bad for me. When you are trying to save people, you’re being egotistical. Them needing you feels good. This is weak, codependent behavior.
Second, because it was really bad for me. I’d violate my boundaries and take time out even when the requests were unreasonable and out-of-contract.
But reason number three was most interesting.
Because a savior complex is actually worst of all for the individual you are “helping.”
When you don’t set boundaries with others or enforce them… when you try to make other people’s problems your own…
You are actually taking away something extremely important for their growth:
Their agency.
So I want to make it clear to all of you who are considering working with me…
I am here to GUIDE you, I am here to TEACH you, I am here to HELP you, I am here to CHALLENGE you…
But I am NOT here to save you.
I am not going to fix your problems.
No one but YOU ever can do that.I can only help you fix them much, much faster and much for effectively.
Because that is how you actually transform as a person.
If you’re interested, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
