One of the big questions that circulates the “manosphere” is how you can judge whether or not a woman is someone you should commit to.

There’s quite a bit of criteria people throw around. A few examples:

– Down for sex anytime
– Feminine
– Takes care of herself physically
– Does sweet stuff for you

There’s more of course, but you get the idea. Great traits but… arguably all of them are “downstream” of something else.

Something your garden variety guru misses… and perhaps even undervalues.

Because it ain’t sexy. And perhaps threatens said man’s own preconceptions of how a woman might show up in the relationship.

What could this elusive little trait be?

Well, I will spare you the suspense my friends.

This key “wife material” criteria is also the bedrock of every person’s ability to happy:

Self-esteem.

Unfortunately, this is a trait not so common with your average modern woman.

She’s been broken by absent and weak fathers. A culture that sends her competing messages about what will make her happy. The expectation that she needs to do “everything” in order to be a good woman.

And it’s a big problem.

Because when someone doesn’t have strong self-esteem, and you get close to them… on a long enough timeline they are CERTAIN to make your life miserable.

Her getting in touch with her feminine side, her being sweet… unless a woman is doing these things out of love (rather than need), it’s all FAKE. She’s GAMING you to gain access to your affection. “You” don’t matter at all to her, only what you can give her to prop up her fragile sense of self-worth.

And she cannot do anything out of love for you when she doesn’t love herself.

Dudes don’t get it. They think the strategy is to inflate their value and then DEMAND (implictly or explicitly) a woman do X or Y for him.

Short-term thinking.

If you are using power and fear to get a woman to change, you are reinforcing an inadequacy with her.

Which is not only shitty from an ethical position, but a lot more work in the long-term. You are beating a sick horse to “move” rather than gently nudging a healthy one.

Understand lads:

Your relationships with others are a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself.

So while you need to do work on yourself to become happier, more aligned, etc. in order to be a good man…

Your woman needs to do the same.

But what if she doesn’t know how?

An excellent question.

One I both answer and guide my coaching clients through quite extensively.

(Your woman won’t change overnight, and the process is usually rocky — which is why those who are serious work with me)

Because if you solve this problem, all the others in the relationship become relatively “quick fixes.”

The reason?

People who love themselves want to do what’s best for themselves.

And you know what the BEST sign someone wants what’s best for themselves?

They invest in themselves.

So whenever I hear people who say, “maybe later”… or “this won’t work for me”… and who then proceed to do the same shit with the same shitty results after 5, 10, 20+ years…I think:

Here is someone who really doesn’t love themselves.

And even more tragically and ironically:

Here is someone who is making life so much more difficult than it has to be.

Because coaching with someone who “gets it” isn’t just about advice or content.

It rewires your brain.

And when you rewire your brain, you rewire your life.In this world, you get what you BELIEVE you get.

Working with someone who can help you get those beliefs is thus the most powerful investment you can make in the world.

The more money I spent on understanding women, the better my relationships with them became.

There are now maybe a handful on the planet who “get it” more than me. And you better believe I am spending whatever it takes to learn from them.

Last week, that was $10K.

Anyway, you either get it or you don’t. I can only say so much.

Some of you will spend your lives in fear, doing things half-ass because you value a couple of grand more than the rest of your life.

A rare few will jump into the unknown if it means something different.

Those rare few can apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat