Yesterday the great daygamer Nash had an interesting thread on the different types of “mindsets” guys have when they daygame… and their commensurate results.
He noted that guys who feel like they NEED to approach do poorly, guys who WANT to see some results… but guys who approach “out of choice” do the best.
He’s quoting a guy called Brian Fearless, who I had never heard of before. But it sounds like I agree with Brian… since I’ve been talking about the power of CHOICE for a long time now.
Guys have wondered why by the end of my “single career” I was able to get the number of 25% of the women I approached, and have those numbers get practically a 100% response rate.
If you know anything about game, those are AMAZING stats.
But the truth is that I’m not some star “cold approacher.” I didn’t go through a crazy number of “reps.”
When I did cold approach, it was supplementary… maybe 15% of the girls I dated, and that includes night game.
(Social circle was 50%, online 35%)
The reason was that when I DID approach, I approached from a position of CHOICE.
But what does that mean?
We can easily discern the difference between need and want… but choice is a bit more subtle.
In my perspective, the shift is that choice-based actions are removed of ego.
When you need a girl, your ego is dependent on something, usually the validation. When you want her your ego may not be desperate but it still gets a high. It is a healthier ego, but still ego.
When you choose a girl, however, it’s as if the action comes from outside of you. In a certain sense, “you” are not even choosing… there is an intuition behind it. At the very least it is motivated from a higher self.
Which means when you go up to a girl, there are NO AGENDAS affecting the interaction. It is a curiosity that gets you to engage. A sense that you should see what’s there… you should play with it… but nothing needs to come of it.
It’s a powerful place to operate — from a position of process vs outcome.
And of course, it doesn’t just apply to approaching… or even women at all.It’s simply an attitude towards life.
One that has indeed affected how I run my business.You see, when someone reaches out for me for coaching… I don’t push.
Part of this no doubt is made easier because I don’t “need” any more clients. Plenty come in since I oriented my mindset towards abundance vs scarcity.
But the bigger reason is that I am not here to make other peoples choices for them.
I provide information about what I do. The price of the investment. The anticipated and guaranteed changes.
And I put this all in the frame of why it should matter for the person, given his situation.
But at the end of the day, it is this guy’s CHOICE to either move forward or not.
I do not want a “low vibration” sale where I lean excessively into someone’s pain or attempt to manipulate him into working with me.
When you coerce someone into a choice, they will not be fully invested in actually doing the work.
They become dependent and needy. Which means they are going to be a bad client.
Take yesterday for example.
I spoke to a guy, a very good guy in fact, who recently broke up with his girlfriend after a fight. She wanted to get back together with him, and he was open to it as well. There had been talk about marriage… it was an unfortunate separation that happened in the heat of the moment, though obviously the real cause was some structural issues that had not been addressed.
I cleared my schedule and offered myself up to do a 3 hour “deep dive” with him on an emergency basis, given that this was time-sensitive. If he was going to get back together with her, they would have to begin the relationship again on completely different footing if it were to survive. I wanted to give him the opportunity to rewire his brain, so he could do this right.
But he “wasn’t sure.” Even though he could afford it, coaching costs money, and I am not cheap.
So I let him go, with the information to consider it.
Bad sales technique, I know.
Perhaps I could have closed if I put the pressure on him. There was a moment, and I let him off the hook.
But the truth?
If he doesn’t care about coaching NOW, at this critical moment, he’s not really serious about doing the work.
Which is fine.
Maybe marrying this girl is less important to him than a couple grand.
Maybe he thinks someone cheaper will somehow do better at solving this complicated problem.
Whatever it is, it is HIS choice to make.
I am not going to try to convince him to invest in himself.
Some people simply don’t understand the value of coaching.
And I get it. Coaching is tough to explain to the linear mind.
“You mean we talk about stuff and my life changes?”
Yeah.
Because you are not just downloading information, you are downloading beliefs. You don’t just become smarter — you become wiser.
It’s telling that one third, if not more, of my clients go through career shifts during or just after we work together. And I don’t even work with guys on their career.
They just level up. Their baggage falls away. Their confidence jumps. They become proactive rather than reactive.
Because when they choose to work with me, they choose themselves.
And it’s that choice that sets the trajectory for their new life.For those ready to make that choice, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
