So perhaps some of you saw, I was “bodyshamed” yesterday by the usual suspects on twitter for a picture I had with Anthony.
Comments I received?
“Soy tits”
“Bad posture”
“Baby arms”
Now, never mind that these guys worship a dork who looks like a middle aged lesbian.
Conventional wisdom would suggest I should just ignore these insults.
Definitely do not do what I’m doing right now, which is bringing more attention to them.
Why amplify the criticism? Most of you probably didn’t notice anyway.
Well it’s a good strategy, generally.
But I’d rather be real with you guys so you can learn from this than attempt to maintain my pride.
The truth is that the criticisms have some merit. “Soy tits” is definitely a bridge too far, but my arms aren’t big and my posture needs improvement. And though they didn’t mention it, I have love handles — my body fat percentage is too high.
I know all of this.
And so while I think I actually look good in the picture — indeed, better than my haters (compare my bright eyes to the dead, depleted look of my critic) — I know I don’t look amazing.
Not yet, at least.
Those who recall, know that in September 2018 I got (lovingly) called out publicly by my mutuals for not having enough muscle on me.
It was a wakeup call, and a necessary one. I had trained pretty heavy with a trainer for about 2.5 years but stopped Spring of 2014 when I moved out of Philadelphia. While I had some periods of lifting after that, they were inconsistent, and interrupted by serious injuries (I tore my adductor mountain climbing in February 2017).
And so after the “shaming,” I realized I had been avoiding fitness for too long… and began working in-person with the elite trainer Mike Vacanti to keep me accountable. Noticing similar issues with my posture at the end of the summer, I also started working with Kevin MacKay who specializes on body-mind realignment (more on his program in the coming weeks).
We have our second lesson tomorrow.
(An aside: Mike’s amazing at what he does. Since last year I’ve put on 15lbs of muscle. My lifts have increased by about 50%… if you’re looking for online coaching, check him out)
Anyway, my point in all of this?
Making a decision to fix your life after you’ve been complacent is humbling.
Maybe it’s a physical thing, like me. You haven’t taken care of your body… and so you find yourself pudgy, weak, crooked.
Maybe it’s financial. You’ve been stuck at a dead-end job… making less than you deserve, doing things that don’t inspire you. Or maybe it’s romantic.
Maybe you’ve been dating girls you don’t see any future with for too long… or have been struggling to date altogether.
Maybe your social group is shrinking… everyone you know is getting married, and you have less and less people to see.
The question is — when you realize it, what are you going to do?
It’s very easy to put these things off. You can tell people “I don’t care” or “everything is fine.” It saves face.
No one can really judge you when you hide.
But once you acknowledge that you have a problem, a target immediately goes on your back.
“Oh, you’re seeing a dating coach? Why do you need that?”
Haters start to hate.
They see your vulnerability and pounce.
Sadly, many of you take this stuff too seriously.
You forget that people who attack you for trying to get better are people who have already given up.
Like a school bully, they are projecting their own pain outwards. They don’t want your life to be good because they HATE theirs.
I told a story about this at the 21 Convention when I was doing a workshop on vulnerability.
In 5th grade, a guy had been giving me a hard time in class for months. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t take it any more, so although I was afraid of what would happen if I “tattled,” I told the teacher. She confronted him… and to my surprise, he broke down crying.
(I still recall the massive snot string hanging out of his nose… it stretched all the way to his knee)
This guy was mean to me because HE felt like shit.
Well, guess what… things aren’t much different these days.
The guys who hate me range from:
— a sad old man, traumatized by a BPD girl, who’s spent the last 20 years in regret and fear since he knocked up a plate and had to marry her
— a butt-ugly, creepy alcoholic whose wife cucked him… even after he became “red pill aware”
— an expat scumbag who hates his father and admitted to finding his mother sexually attractive
I could keep going, but honestly it more sad than interesting. They’re all variations on the same theme: guy internalizes trauma and can’t get past it, so he starts hating life.
Their hatred towards me and others like me is because we decided to take a different path.
Being real: when I was at 21 Con, I met a lot of guys who had a TON of work to do to get to where they wanted to be.
They needed muscle, a makeover, more confidence, and were starting with zero awareness of how to interact with women.
Their road is going to be a long one.
And so my love and respect for them was off the charts.
These guys had a TOUGHER journey than most… and yet they were on it regardless.
You just can’t say this for most men.
They have too much PRIDE and not enough PATIENCE.
They lack a long-term vision and a humility to be honest with themselves.
They are COWARDS.
And so in the long-term, the guys who show up — like these men, and like yours truly — pass them by.
People forget. When I was 20 years old I couldn’t go to a party without severe social anxiety. I’d leave within 30 minutes if I didn’t know anyone there. The only way I made ANY friends was if they approached and invited me. As for women… I didn’t know the first thing about women, except I sucked with them.
Now making friends is the easiest thing in the world, and I’ve dated more women than I can recall… and had the choice to marry the best one I ever met.
So my friends, no matter where you are, stay the course.
I knew a year ago that it would take three years for me to have the body I wanted. I was in a hole I needed to climb out of.
This required me to put aside my ego and instant gratification. Injuries plagued me before, and I wanted to avoid them.
Which is why I told Mike:
“I don’t care how long it takes. I want to do this right. I’m in this for the long haul.”
I wanted to permanently transform my body, not do some crash diet.I wanted to permanently transform my beliefs away from fitness being a chore.
I wanted to deal with the fundamentals of my problem rather than paper them over.
Can you say the same for yourself with women?
Remember it’s never too late. But the longer you wait, the longer it will take to get there.
The only way to speed the process up without hitting a dead end?
Work with someone who actually gets it.
Someone like me.
If you’re interested, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
