Had a conversation with a client recently who has been going through a bit of dilemma.
Long story short, he’s had a girlfriend for awhile now. Sweet, pretty girl. Good values. Perfect wife material.
But he’s not really happy being with her. Her personality is a bit plain and boring.
Anyway, enter this girl he refers to as “the ho.”
He works with her. They spend a lot of time together, and have a LOT of fun together. She’s wild, like him. And even though she’s much less attractive than his girlfriend… she’s very in touch with her sexual side.
I think you can see where this is going.
They’ve started fucking, quite regularly… to the extent that both of them have started to catch feels.
Only problem?
Well, not only does he have a girlfriend he’s theoretically supposed to marry.
But this “ho” is, well, a ho.
She’s been around the block. Plenty of the guys he knows have indeed “tapped that.”
So quite understandably he doesn’t respect her.
But he can’t help but want her, all the same.
Her “pussy hits” so to speak.
A lot of you guys can relate to what he’s experiencing, and what I’m talking about here.
Well, fortunately for you he’s not in a place for the next few weeks where he can talk, so I wrote him out a response instead… AKA you will have a rare chance to also digest some of the advice I gave him:
The first big question you need to ask yourself is what sort of life YOU want to lead. Not what life you feel like you have to lead. Our fantasies often get in the way of reality. Whatever your girlfriend represents, you can’t spend your life with a girl you don’t really find much enjoyment being around. Marrying someone because they complete our identity is a recipe for disaster. These passionless marriages always have resentment (that comes with repression) underneath them. And they are terrible for children to experience.
The second big question is what sort of man you are… and want to be. The truth is, for all the talk about the “ho’s” long term material, are *you* good long term material? Would you recommend a guy like yourself to your daughter?
Your girlfriend seems represents the purity you lack in your mind, like there’s an identification that as long as you are with her, your own vices are somehow absolved… but that’s not how it works. In fact this dynamic only makes men more inclined to indulge since her behavior constantly underlines that she’s “good” and you’re “bad.”
I think part of you would almost wish she would show a little bit of her shadow so that you wouldn’t have to constantly live in it for both of you. Your girlfriend is repressed and it drives you crazy. The ho isn’t. It’s why the sex is better, and you feel like you can be yourself more around her. You both show your wildness together and appreciate the realness of each other. It’s an intimacy you have never touched with your girlfriend. She’s the madonna; the other the whore. But you can only be you around the whore.
Which is the root of the real problem. A healthy relationship isn’t a compartmentalization. But most people — men and women both — do this because it’s easier to face partial truths with multiple individuals than a whole truth with one (i.e. alpha fux / beta bux). Because whole truths are ugly. You are a good man with an ugly side. You are afraid to show this ugly side to your girlfriend. And she is afraid to show her ugly side to you… and probably herself.
If you choose your girlfriend with the level of dishonesty that is in your relationship now it will eventually implode. You will humiliate her in some way because you will resent her forcing you to repress yourself… and you will ruin her life. But if you choose the ho with the level of dishonesty now you will also come to resent the ho, because you will feel disgust and jealousy at her past behavior… much of which will be a projection of your own actions. You can only enjoy being “bad” when you have someone who makes you feel “good.”
So your real choice is about your identity rather than the women.
You can choose to accept the truth of yourself and the ho. To say “I haven’t been a good person and that’s OK. I’m happy to live this semi-degen life with someone who gets me.” By dropping the aspirational image of yourself as some trad guy, you allow you to be you. And by dropping the judgment of her, you can move past her sluttiness. It’s possible then you guys will have a fun, exciting life together (might be a little trashy but if you feel accepted and fulfilled – fuck any haters).
Or you can choose to accept the truth of yourself and your gf. To say “I haven’t been a good person and I forgive myself. I’m going to come to terms with my shadow and who I am and integrate it.” By accepting your darker desires and impulses, you allow yourself to transcend them — to become a different person. And by dropping your image of your gf as some holy individual, you can stop the good/bad polarity that exists between you and become a relationship of two humans. It’s possible then you guys will have a committed, honest life together (might not be as exciting as the above, but will be more meaningful).
But both paths require honesty and authenticity. And are going to require a difficult reconciliation not only with the girl you choose, but with yourself… which will require conflict. Indeed it’s very likely you will end up with neither girl. Because right now they are two parts of a whole, and all bets are off when you try to make one of them play a full part.
But regardless of how things play out, even if you lose them you will set yourself up for a relationship in the future that works.
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Not so bad, eh?
If you want that guidance in your own life, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
