A reader writes in:

So about two months ago I cut out drinking completely from my life – not that I used to extensively drink but it it didn’t serve me at all even in social occasions – it brought my energy down. I’m much more energetic, intuitive, mindful & aware when I’m out with friends and around girls sober so I connect better with everyone.

I’ve been into some personal dev stuff, and healing from a physical injury so I’ve been out of the dating scene lately, but as I intend to make more time to put myself back out, I’ve been thinking about whether it would affect my dating life – especially since North American culture is so oriented around drinking.

I figured it all comes down to how I spin it and mention it on a date, whether from a place of confidence or from a place of apprehensiveness with the mentality that either a girl respects it or not. I figured I could still take a girl out to a bar, give her the choice to pick whatever drink she wants but myself stick with something like a Perrier.

Curious to get your take on all this – do you think it’s a buzzkill for woman, certain type of woman? what do you think is the most skillful way of killing it on dates without alcohol?


Full disclosure: I am a lush. And so I can’t answer this question from personal experience.

But from my experience with multiple clients who are in a similar boat, I would say yes: it does make it more difficult to attract women… at least those who drink.

For instance, as an oenelogue (aka wine snob), I could not be with a woman who doesn’t drink wine.

Wine is an integral part of my life and is DEEPLY embedded in my family culture. It is a ritual.

So when I met my wife, and I found out she didn’t like red wine and barely drank any white…

It was a PROBLEM.

Fortunately for her, she learned to love it.

(Such are the powers of my seduction and wine selecting ability)

But in all seriousness, you need to understand that WHATEVER you choose to orient your life around — it will affect your ability to bond with people.

Demographics are HUGE in dating. You need to go where the people you would want to be with would go.

Because even if you are able to overcome your “differences” in the environment… unless your own lifestyle is very compelling to a woman, you are unlikely to shift her habits.

And if you guys enjoy different lifestyles… long term it doesn’t bode well for the success of the relationship.

But of course my reader asked specifically about dates, not meeting girls… so why my digression?

Because where he is meeting these girls he’s taking out matters.

For example, if it’s on a place like online, he might consider adding it into his profile to screen girls out and save time.

Will it lead to less leads? Definitely.

But the ones remaining will be better fits long term.

Of course… all of this depends on what he wants.

If he wants to hook up with party girls… we should take the reframing of his lifestyle more seriously.

If he wants something more serious… he should push as many women away who don’t fit his lifestyle as possible… and should not try to cater himself to them.

Starting to make sense?

How you proceed in these situations is ALL about your objectives.

Which is why — being blunt — the work I do with men is so valuable.

Most of you have no idea what you care about.

You ask for advice.

“What do I do in this situation?”

While ignoring the bigger question:

“Why do I *care* about this situation? What do I *want* from it?”

Simple to say, difficult to figure out.

Unless you have someone who can direct and unclutter your thoughts…

Someone who helps you distinguish fear from intuition…

And someone who has the tools to turn these buried desires into a reality…

Someone like me.

If you want this kind of transformation, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat