So the other day I put out a thread on monogamy on Twitter.
And received the following question in response:
“interesting ideas… could you expand on the leveraging of libido among others’ point? And what you mean by ‘exploring their shadows’ — what does this actually entail a person doing? I get the idea but don’t really know what it would mean practically”
It’s a topic I could spend a lot of detail on, but will try to summarize here…
Basically, your libido is a powerful tool for bonding and focus. Which is why “committing” it to someone doesn’t simply have practical and hygienic purposes, but psycho-spiritual ones.
When you have chosen (it should ALWAYS be your choice, not a coercion) to give your body to only one person, you are forcing yourself to deal with said person at a much greater level of intensity than if you either are a) not sexually bound to them, or b) sexually bound to multiple people.
It’s a way of corralling sexual energy towards the furnace of transformation via relationship.
People can larp about doing this with multiple people. “Free love” and all that.
Reality however is that when you have multiple options, you WILL gravitate towards the ones that make life most easy for you in the moment.
You will AVOID deep conflict and conversations, and if you DO engage in them and the issues aren’t resolved instantly, you’ll begin to spend time with other women who don’t demand as much.
You’ll break intensity with one woman to relax yourself into another.
AKA, leveraging your libido.
Which I totally understand.It’s one of the reason guys enjoy dating multiple women.
There’s always at least one girl on rotation who’s “easy”… and moving focus away from one girl for another is a great way to (temporarily) keep the other girls in line.
But no matter how you window dress this — it’s not love, and it’s not the sort of stuff that allows you or her to grow.
Because the fact that you are not “there” — that you could move focus to another girl at any moment — means on a certain level she can’t trust you, which means you can’t start to address each others shadows in a meaningful way.
Which in other words is exploring and addressing the dark, hurting, childish parts of each other.
I don’t expect everyone to understand or value this.
Self-improvement is mostly summed up in our corner of the internet as various themes on discipline.
But on the higher level, it’s really about unraveling all the trauma and bullshit you’ve accumulated over the years of your life.And the best way to do that?
To engage in an intimate relationship with someone who triggers the same “pair-bonding” mechanisms you had as a child, so you can begin to transcend them.
Someone who will, as Jordan Peterson says so often “tell you the truth”… so you can begin the difficult process of shedding your bullshit.
But there is a caveat.
Most relationships are not at this level.
Few men and even fewer women possess the awareness and introspection necessary to really benefit from this dynamic.
Instead they cut caught in loops, lean into their egos, and fight not to get somewhere… but for the sake of it.
They miss the point. And so their relationships end up mediocre and surface-level.
It’s these sort of “trapped” relationships that many people in the “red pill,” etc. associate with monogamy.
Co-dependent, low-consciousness, emotionally repressed “commitments.”
But relationships don’t have to be like that.
Which is why I do what I do.
Getting fit, making money, learning “game”… this stuff is valuable.
But it’s only a piece — and not even the biggest piece of the puzzle.
If men want better, deeper relationships, THEY need to lead them there.
They need the perception and compassion to engage their woman’s shadow… and the self-awareness and humility to engage their own.
They need to tools. They need objectivity.
All stuff I provide to my clients.
No, I can’t “guarantee” it will save your current situation.
Some women are too unwilling to change. Some relationships are too far gone.
Like with their health, too many men foolishly wait until things are critical to address problems.
But if you want the best possible chance to save your relationship… and if you want to ensure the issues you’re experiencing now won’t occur in the future…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
