I tweeted this out last week and it got some attention… though not as much as it should have.
(it’s usually like that on Twitter)
But to be fair, a lot of people were confused by it.
So let’s address that.
Boundaries > Tension > Intimacy is the formula for how a romantic interaction progresses.
I prefer it to the standard Attraction > Comfort > Seduction model found in most PUA companies, because it isn’t simply tactical, applying to only the initial stages of an interaction with a woman… but is relevant throughout the lifetime of a relationship.
Moreover, it emphasizes the most important part of the attraction process:
The role of conflict in creating connection.
I know, I know — this isn’t intuitive to most men. We have been told to be polite and empathetic, to be (that dreaded word)… nice.
But the truth is that the only way to become truly close with someone isn’t to harmonize, or make them feel at ease… but to make them feel uncomfortable.
Because it is through this discomfort that we stake out a unique place in their mind.
Now, know this obviously doesn’t entail being a weirdo or a creep.
(Please don’t be stupid)
But to underline that you must push against people if you want to give them the opportunity to come towards you.
Which brings us to the first concept mentioned: Boundaries.Boundaries are the definitions of yourself; what you will and will not tolerate from others. Ergo, it determines what sort of people you will allow in your life.
Boundaries are essential when interacting with a woman, both at beginning and through the life cycle of the relationship.
They let a woman know you have a personality, you have standards, and set a basis for your frame.
They convey authenticity, since you are making your wants and requirements overt and applicable. Rather than blurring who you are, you are making it clear.
And so they police any bad behavior she might have, forcing her to adjust if she wants to be with you.
Boundaries thus inevitably create tension, because they let people know who you are and how far they can go with you.
The resulting tension leads to the end of the current dynamic you have with the woman, forcing a new one to emerge.
What sort of new one takes its place?
In some cases, no new one.
The dynamic ends due to differences, and you move on.
But if the desire (or requirement) to negotiate these differences exists… then the tension forces the dynamic to deepen.
You learn more about her through the process of tension-creation, and she learns more about you.
You become closer emotionally and physically as you seek to find ways to dissolve this tension.
Which is why boundaries, through tension, ultimately leads to intimacy.
And why those who are terrified of conflict are ultimately the most alone and misunderstood.
Understand:
While there’s no question excess conflict is detrimental to relationships, conflict also binds people together.
It’s why hate is closer to love than indifference, and why enemies can rapidly become friends when new enemies present themselves.
There is a trust you develop with those you understand through conflict, regardless of which side you are on.
And it’s why aside from genuine conflict in battle, the “conflict” of growing up (which is an immense period of negotiation with the world) creates the most bonds between people.
You become revealed through trials, and those who face them with you — on the same or opposing side — become close to you through it.
So, circling back to romantic relationships…
While stopping fights from escalating is important… stopping them from occurring at all is arguably even worse.
Because the problems you might have with a woman don’t just stop existing. They merely get buried.
Which means you’re just wasting time.
A truth whether it’s your first date or first decade with a woman.
Which is why, while playful banter with women remains a must… I also encourage all of you to indulge in more difficult questions after you’ve lightened the mood… questions and conversations that challenge her, force her to reveal herself…
Aka, your psychological game.
Yes, it will create tension.
But that tension will also lead to intimacy.
(both physical and emotional)
And uncover the truth between the two of you.
Which is really the purpose of dating to begin with.
Maybe you are meant to be together.
Maybe you aren’t.
But better to get as close to someone as you can and realize they are not for you, than to play it safe.
Unfortunately, most people suck at being honest like this with themselves… let alone others.
They are afraid of the truth, or don’t even know where to begin to find it.
Well, good news:
Fixing that is my specialty.
I can get rid of these blindspots for you.
Reveal your hidden motivations that are holding you back.
And show you exactly how to penetrate the minds of women similarly… both how to create sexual and psychological tension and crucially, navigate it.
So you’ll be able to smoothly sail the seas of the female psyche.
Whether you’re just getting out there meeting women… or trying to enrich a long time relationship.
Fair warning: this stuff isn’t found with other dating and relationship coaches.
It’s far more advanced and powerful than the basic PUA “seduction” tricks, or hippie “communication” tips.
And thus not to be used lightly.
But if you want a significant leg up over the competition, and want to level up yourself…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
