The other day I received a question from a reader:
“There’s a lady in my life who calls me her soulmate, who is sexually attracted to me (has said and demonstrated this) and who cannot let me go when I have repeatedly tried to pull away.
All this, but she says there’s “a feeling” that is missing which is stopping her from entertaining a relationship with me… how do I make heads or tails of this situation man?!”
Ah, women. The ways they drive us crazy.
A lot of guys have experienced this “I love you but I can’t be with you” stuff from a woman before. And it’s absolutely maddening when you really like a girl.
If he was a client, and I had more information about the scenario (what sort of sexual “demonstration” has in fact occurred?) I could explore it in more depth.
But let’s look at two likely things going on.
The first is biological.
Women like male attention, and the more attractive the male, the more valuable the attention.
I know, I know… soul mates, expressing sexual desire… these aren’t your typical ways of keeping a guy in the loop. Usually when we think of “orbiters” we think of guys who put themselves in their own cage, not a woman.
But women know more valuable guys aren’t going to do that to themselves.
They need to seduce them a bit, keep them from pulling away.
And the emotionally conflicted damsel in distress is a powerful way of encouraging white knight tendencies in otherwise no-bullshit guys.
They want to save this girl from herself.
She, on the other hand, is happy to lean back and enjoy the drama and attention.
But I know from experience… in the situation, it really doesn’t feel like a ruse. You can tell she really does like you. Why is that?
Because of the other reason, which is psychological:
This woman loves the man… but doesn’t love herself very much or feel like she deserves the guy.
This is not a gender specific problem.
People who don’t have self-respect stay in limbo zones, because they are afraid of what happens if they make the wrong decision.
But more than this, they are unwilling to give themselves what they actually want.
They meet a guy they connect with, who treats them well, who is objectively attractive… but they struggle to allow themselves to have him.
These women will make excuses why they can’t commit.
They avoid intimacy, because intimacy allows others to see their damage.
And if forced to choose between never seeing the man they love again, and having to be with with him romantically… they will usually do everything they can to delay and deflect… and if they DO commit, destroy the relationship through some sort of infidelity or gaslighting to give themselves a way out.
They are their own worst enemy.
A common, yet terrible thing.
And one I see very frequently with guys.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
If you’re considering coaching, it’s because you know deep down that you need it.
There is a nagging feeling within you that says “this has been a problem for awhile, it’s slowing down my life… will this fix it?”
This is your instinct talking to you, and your instinct doesn’t lie.
It is the truth within all of us, guiding us to our destinies.
So while there’s a chance you might not be a good fit (and I will tell you if this is the case)… there’s a much, much better chance that you are.
And that yes, working together WILL fix your problem.
But the real question isn’t actually that…
(I’m a shit marketer, but I’ve never had an unsatisfied client)
It’s do you actually want it fixed?
Do you love yourself enough to deserve a change?
Because like the girl above, many of you only pretend to want a better life.
You like to dangle success with women in front of you like a carrot… while you chase after it like a hamster on a wheel.
You enjoy fantasizing about it, but won’t let yourself taste it.
Unless… maybe you finally decide to listen to your instinct, rather than your fear.
And decide enough is enough… and take the plunge.
Will you?
Who knows.
It’s a choice few men make, which is why average, not excellence, is the norm.
But for those of you who love yourselves enough to rise above mediocrity…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
