Now, if you’ve been following along, you know by now I’m not one of those “red pill” guys who is constantly going off about modern women.
And unlike many, I’m not anti-marriage.
But as I’ve propped myself more and more into the “serious relationship” space… and observed the long-term marriages of many close to me… I’ve started to see some serious patterns.
Some patterns that just ain’t pretty.
Most women are emotionally abusive to men.
People generally acknowledge this, but reframe it. They talk about “masculinity” being the issue here — modern men are weak, and so women (who have contempt for weak men) treat them accordingly.
A defense which is true.
But only half of the situation.
I’ve seen masculine men — hard working, action-taking, hold-their-own leaders of families get savaged relentlessly by their women… even sometimes when their women do relatively nothing to help the family.
These women are objectively lucky to have the guys they do. They’d be ruined without them.
In fact, it’s clear they love them.
And yet… zero appreciation.
What gives?
Why Women Abuse Men They Love
Everyone is drawn to light, but many lack the fire to shine themselves.
Masculine men are desired by all women, but all but the most feminine quash out their flame.
Like beauty, they seek to capture this energy — to possess it themselves. And then once its destroyed, to discard the host.
So it is the same with psychological health.
People are correct when they say unhappy people congregate around other unhappy people. But what is missed is that unhappy people also enjoy sapping happiness from those who possess it.
They are drawn to their lightness, but are committed to becoming their weight.
Which is the main reason most women abuse men today.
A lack of masculinity is part of it. But only part.
Most modern women are simply put, miserable.
And to make matters worse, they are self-absorbed… and so can rarely see that this is entirely their responsibility to sort this out.
Understand, I’m not saying this to rag on women. I know culture has played a big role in this outcome, by feeding their worst tendencies.
But I’ve put my due diligence in.
Most women really struggle to see the role they play in their lives not taking the right course.
They suffer, unconsciously.
And so take it out on everyone around them.
(Especially those closest to them)
Miserable people like to become more miserable… they try to bring about their worst nightmares.
And their worst nightmares are to become unloved, by pushing everyone dear to them away.
The Power of Abuse
Stockholm Syndrome is the psychological phenomenon of the victim identifying with and protecting their abuser.
But you don’t need to be Harley Quinn, and your sadist need not be the Joker, for this dynamic to play out more subtly in your relationship.
All it takes is a little abuse, doled out over time, for the change in dynamic to occur.
Understand: abuse is one of the most psychologically disruptive ways of interacting with someone. Few approaches are better at controlling the frame.
It’s why people torture others. Abuse shatters confidence — not only because it is so demeaning, but since at a certain point, if you are tolerating the abuse you will rationalize it as something you deserve.
(This is the case with many guys I work with. Bullies, siblings — and very often their own parents — abused them growing up, and this is the state they think they should exist in.)
Some in Red Pill circles have understood this intuitively, which is why their tactics (such as overt Dread Game) work in the damaged-person trench warfare they subscribe to. Lower another person’s estimation of themselves and you win the frame, even if the value of the prize is thereafter of dubious value.
Others consider the better option: break things off cold-turkey.
Accept short-term pain to escape the situation. Even if it destroys finances… limits your time with your kids… it gives you a chance at a new life; a chance to escape the prison she’s created.
But obviously, neither of the options are good.
In the former you’re becoming what you hate.
In the latter — you have to sacrifice pretty much everything, including the most precious thing of all: your children.
How To Cure An Abusive Woman
Fortunately, there is sometimes another way.
But before we dive into this unorthodox approach to saving a relationship, a caveat.
If you intend to save a relationship with an abusive woman, you need to make sure the relationship is actually something you want to save.
To do this you will really need to soul search. And you will also have to make an honest appraisal of your woman.
Is there a good, loving woman beneath the trauma? Or she is nasty to her core?
Does she really love you? Or is she only still with you out of fear, or for superficial reasons?
This is an essential step in the process… because if she is the latter, then your only option is to cut your losses.
But if it’s the former… you then need to ask yourself.
Do you love her? Do you actually want to be with HER?
A lot of guys stay in relationships out of fear. They don’t like their woman, or want to be with her, but they also don’t want to shift their life around. They don’t want the devastation of liquidating assets, paying child support, and sharing custody.
All of this is understandable. But if that is all that is keeping you in the relationship then the forthcoming approach will not be enough.
For this approach to be successful, you will need something hard to summon when you’re frustrated with your relationship.
Love.
Unconditional, overflowing love. Patience and kindness.
The reason is simple.
When a woman loves you at her core… your love can heal.
The reason miserable people attack those closest to them is because they hate themselves, and they want other people to hate themselves too.
This is why they suck the love out of others: they cannot generate it, so they need others to provide it.
Most people, however, do not have much love to give.
So when someone takes it from them, they emerge depleted.
They take the abuse personally, and demand the love back.
This is how vicious cycles develop.
And therein lies the problem.
To fix an abusive woman you must repay her outbursts with kindness, and you must use this kindness to show her that she is worthy of more than this.
You must love her through her issues.
Yet you must also be committed to speaking the truth about her issues, even when it creates enormous amounts of tension to do so.
It’s not “ignore the problem” or avoid conflict.
It’s having difficult conversations and calling her out with love.
This is a form of psychological game, which makes her more bonded to you on a deep level. Yet while it does this, it may also trigger more negative responses from her, since you’re engaging her on very raw, sensitive areas.
The reason she has these defense mechanisms is to prevent herself from addressing these things.
So, while sometimes this will break through to her… other times this is only Step 1.
What’s Step 2?
Leaving her.
Conditionally, at first.
You must force her to confront once and for all the choice:
Lose this part of herself, or lose you.
It’s a form of leverage, like dread game… but it affects a girl on a much deeper level.
Here’s why.
Dread Game vs Depth Game
Many have seen me be hesitant about dread game when it comes to dealing with bad female behavior. I will explain.
Dread game is a biological kind of game, based on fear.
In many ways, it makes a girl think of herself like a piece of meat that you can easily replace with another.
Which of course, in some sense is true.
But on another… it’s absurd.
Why are you with her if she’s just a piece of meat?
(Hint: Part of the reason PUA / red pill types can’t settle down… this is all they think of women as. Why settle down with something easily replaceable?)
The truth is that a woman you commit to should neither be a unicorn nor a widget.
She is not the “only one” — you can find another.
But she should be special as well… worth committing to above other women.
Which is why dread game is something I do not like to elevate as an active strategy.
Passive dread game is one thing.
You should be making money, be fit, act socially competent.
You should know you can command interest from other women… forget about her, this is important to maintain your own frame.
But threatening a woman by reminding her she is replaceable, to the extent that it works, violates trust… and makes her act better for superficial, anxious reasons.
Which means that the threat needs to constantly hang over her head.
Which means you cannot rely on her to be there for you in a tough time.
And means having an intimate relationship with her will be extremely difficult, since you are bringing her low not high.
I prefer a different kind of game.
Depth game.
Depth game has some implicit fear in it, but it doesn’t demean a girl to gain power over her.
It offers her a chance to rise to your level.
Rather than make her acknowledge her low status compared to you, it makes her realize how high she could be with you. It extends to her an opportunity for love in exchange for surrender.
It shows her you love her in spite of her flaws. But that you cannot love her more than she can love herself.
And that if she won’t take this step, to join you in having an extraordinary relationship.
That you won’t have one at all.
Conclusions: How To End Abuse From A Woman
Most people walk around this world hurting and afraid.
You can either control them by tapping into that fear, or you can attempt to heal them through love.
You can raise them up or lower them.
Understand: abusive women abuse men, because they are first and foremost abusive to themselves.
Abusing them back may work for some of these women, but even when it works… it doesn’t provide you with a relationship worth having.
You need to give them love while challenging them to do the same for themselves and you.
You need to turn the other cheek and extend a hand to them.
Will they take it?
Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
So why bother?
Because if it’s a yes… you can guarantee you’ll have a woman more devoted to you than any other.
And if it’s a no?
You can move on with a clean conscience.
Because you may have just saved her for someone else.
(Sadly, sometimes it takes losing the thing you love to change)
And you will be more aligned than ever to find another woman prepared to receive love… and give it back ten fold in return.
Anyway.
If you want help learning how to do this…
To challenge girl’s on a deep level, that imprints you in their minds…
To give your relationship a best chance at becoming a success rather than a failure…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
