So I’m currently at the cafe, listening to a first date go on next to me.
We’re going to talk about it, what I think might come out of it.
First observation.
100% this couple met online. They have no mutual contacts, don’t know anybody in common.
It’s an interesting date choice… a bit unconventional. 8AM coffee rendezvous, probably a hard cut off at 9AM for work.
(I’ll let you know if my guess is right, 20 minutes to go now)
They chose the time because they’re both burned out of late night stuff… mentioned how this was “better” since they’re both cutting back on alcohol, and have bunch of stuff at night.
The girl’s pretty. Between 24-27.The guy’s hair is slicked back, doesn’t have a bunch of masculine energy to him.
(Pretty standard in NYC)
They’re both nervous, but have decent rapport. Conversation is constantly flowing. They’ve laughed a couple of times.
But here’s the thing.
The date is actually really boring. And while they have good rapport… they’re not connecting emotionally.
The dude hasn’t created attraction.
(FYI, if you want to know how to have a great first date, save this article for after the email)
The conversation started off with how awful and jading dating is in NYC.
After the girl mentioned how she was burned out from going out at night, the guy made a comment about how he’s not good at meeting girls in loud environments.
(Bad move — she got quiet during this. If you’re going to make that comment you have to frame it differently with a self-boast.)
After this the conversation shifted to work. Most of the conversation is actually about work and how much it sucks.
They’ve shared some personal stories. But mostly they are just commiserating about how crazy it is that some people got married early and had kids, how bad dating is, and how bad work is.
She’s leading the conversation and he’s being very agreeable with her. But she’s doing the “fast response” sort of responding which is manufactured. She’s a chatty girl who is good at putting on a social mask (likely ESFJ).
Now, what do I think is going to happen with these two?(Perfect timing: she just asked what time it is. Almost 9 and so the date has ended.)It’s possible, but unlikely there will be a second date. I expect a few awkward post-date texts that fizzle out.
She left with the classic “well it was great meeting you”… which is code for “have a nice life.”
They were dancing around the question of having a date 2. Obviously he’d like one but the vibe was very platonic.
But it didn’t have to be this way. They had enough conversational chemistry plenty could have developed.
Unfortunately, the guy made the most common mistake in the book.
He didn’t create any tension.
Gentlemen… if there’s anything you need to understand about women it’s this.
“Nice” and “comfortable” dates don’t win over women.
You need to make her feel something.
You need to make her feel challenged and intimidated by you… to feel like you’re an interesting, mysterious person…
If I had been on this date with the girl, I’d have let her keep talking.
I’d have seen that she was nervous and that building tension would be easy… I’d lean into that nervousness.
(ALWAYS remember gentlemen, when a woman is nervous on a date she’s yours to lose)
I’d have said very little, just smirked as I teased her.
By final quarter of the date, she’d realize she didn’t know hardly anything about me… except that I had made her laugh constantly and poked fun at her.
9AM would be nearing, it would be time to go.
She’d say something like “wait, I don’t know anything about you!”
A statement I could take in many different directions.
Example:“You’re cute. Ok, you get one question… we’ll save the rest of it for date #2”
I’d probably take her hand.
Maybe go in for a quick kiss after… or let her think I might, and let the tension hang there as I said “I had fun, talk to you soon.”
She’d go into work on a high.
All because I was comfortable with making her a little uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, this guy didn’t know this. And if I told him he’d probably ignore my advice.
You can always tell when a guy is asleep, and isn’t willing to change.
He’s been in the city 3 years and has had a bad dating life.
And yet, if you proposed a way for him to transform his results… that would require him acting differently…
He would do nothing. Because like most guys, he’d rather live a mediocre life than invest in himself, become different, and experience the results of leveling up.
Not something I can relate to anymore.
I just doubled my investment in business coaching, because I know that the more I invest in myself… the faster my business will grow… because returns on investment aren’t linear but exponential.
Read that again if you didn’t internalize it.
Returns on investment aren’t linear but exponential.
It’s why the rich are rich and the middle class are middle class.
The rich invest. They bet on themselves. They put their money in the market because the market compounds, and in the long term always goes up.
In contrast, the middle class plays it safe. They don’t invest, they save.(And don’t even get me started on the poor. These are the “get laid quick” guys who have no introspection whatsoever)
You might think it’s just about money but it’s not. It applies to everything in life, especially women.
So ask yourself.
Do you want a rich dating life?
Or would you prefer to just “get by.”
Truth is if you’re the latter I can’t help you anyway.
The precondition of change is the actual desire to make the change happen.
And most of you probably prefer to remain where you are.
As for the rest of you?
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
