Well, the response to yesterday’s email was certainly interesting. Got a couple disagreements, though these were well-reasoned and cordial, as well a large amount of compliments.
But that tends to be a pretty normal response if we’re being honest.
What was most interesting about the last email was the disproportionately high number of women writing in to thank me.
(Funny too, considering there aren’t many here… and I assumed it would offend them)
Anyway, today we got one for the boys.
If you’re a guy who’s been around these parts for awhile, you’ve probably heard that men need to be dominant if they want to be attractive to women.
This means being masculine, assertive, taking the lead.
Do I disagree with this?
Nope.
But the problem is most guys don’t understand what “dominance” is.
And really it’s understandable. Many learn this stuff on the internet or through bad role models in real life.
And so rather than lead, they order.
Rather than be masculine, they act macho.
And rather than be dominant, they act domineering.
In each of these cases, the man suffers from an overcompensation on overt actions due to a lack of comfort with their internal frame.
Or in layman’s terms: they act tough because they feel weak.
Understand, dominance is natural and unquestioned. It operates on the background of an interaction.
Dominant men don’t need to act very dominant because their authority isn’t questioned.
Guys with a tenuous hold on power, in contrast, tend to go too far.
An example:
Let’s say you’re setting up a date with a girl, and picking a place.
A dominant man will choose.
“I know a great Italian place on Spring Street, let’s meet there at 8”
Normally, if you’ve set the frame well, she’ll agree with this. After all women are naturally submissive.
But perhaps she’s going to be really far away from Spring Street around that time… or hates Italian food.
So maybe she says something.
“That sounds great but that’s going to be really far off from where I’ll be that night… any place closer to Market Ave?”
A dominant guy will shrug it off, be resourceful and pick a different spot.
A domineering guy in contrast will say “no, that’s the place I picked — we’re going to that place.”
Kinda meh example but hopefully you get the idea.
Domineering people try to force others to do only what they want to do.
Dominant people, in contrast, simply have the final decision making power.
Understand the distinction?
The dominant person is leading, while the domineering person is trying to control others’ behavior. It’s the equivalent of leading by love and respect vs fear and abuse.
Now, unfortunately for many women, they don’t see domineering behavior early on while dating. They’re submissive… and they like that a guy is taking the lead. Moreover, in early interactions people tend to be more polite.
It’s only later on that she realizes she doesn’t have a say in anything.
And that he’s not controlling things for the benefit of her, but for the benefit of himself.
(In fact: being in control is often the only reason they need to be in control. Their reasons aren’t logical, they’re emotional. MBTI fans — these are commonly degraded Te dominant types like ENTJ/ESTJ)
I think most of you see why this is a problem.
But for the few left who think a girl should automatically do what you say all the time. Never forget:
Effective leadership requires reputation and strength.
You can say that women should follow men as a matter of hierarchy. I’m not wading into that argument.
What I will say though is that you get DEVOTION and PASSION from people who WANT to follow you.
If you’re a general who inspires trust and excitement your soldiers, they will fight for you through anything.
If you’re a general who treats them with harshness and expendability, don’t be surprised if they desert you.
Dominance is earned not enforced.It comes from deep inside of you.
A love and trust in YOURSELF, which enables you to lead others with love.
But if you don’t have that love and trust with yourself…
Well, maybe the best you can hope for is to be an unloved master a woman follows out of fear and obligation.
And more likely… you just won’t get women at all.
Because it’s hard to get something when you don’t feel like you deserve it.
Unfortunately, I see this all the time with men… especially today.
They didn’t have masculine mentors growing up… so they’ve become weesh.
And to the extent many of them have “fixed” it, they’ve tried to ape alpha through fake macho displays which really only impress other guys.
No.
There are no shortcuts.
To gain dominance over women, you must gain dominance over yourself.
And the best way to do that?
Working with someone who will show you why you’re disobeying yourself… so you can learn to lead yourself better.
Be warned: it’s not an overnight process. Even with me.
But I’ll accomplish for you in months what would normally take you years (sometimes decades).
Apply here if you’re brave: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
