I found this question to be an interesting one, since it’s something a lot of guys in “this corner” think a lot about… and definitely has some relevance when choosing a partner.
For those not familiar, “n-count” is the number of guys a woman has slept with.
Now before we dive in… as I’ve said in the past, I think this metric is a little overstated.
Yes, I’ve seen that infamous graph. The lower the n-count, the less chance of divorce.
But always remember there are other factors the correlate with this that might be the real effect.
For instance, a relatively shy, 30 year old girl who had one nights stands with 15 guys over a decade has a higher count than a girl who’s been with 5 guys that she’s dated for 2 years each.
But if the girl who’s only had drunken sex get’s a boyfriend, she’s effectively much more of a “virgin” from a bonding standpoint than the girl who’s had 5 serious relationships.
Understand… the reason this graph is likely correct is because women who are promiscuous tend to abuse themselves by taking guys who treat them as disposable… and chase hedonism and lust over meaning and love.
So while you should consider n-count in the sense that it can tip you off to a woman’s value-system… if you treat it as a one-dimensional variable you’ll miss out on many good girls (and never forget: girls who are virgins in their late 20s might just have some issues of their own).
But I digress, the point of the email was to read for such girls…
And yet, I gave you a big clue… didn’t I?
You need to screen for the girl’s values.
What sort of activities is she interested in? Who are her friends? What sort of culture is she drawn to?
For instance, you can estimate a high n-count from girls who are easily swayed by the superficial, who emulating most of modern culture’s “influencers.” This is revealed by what they talk about and what sort of groups they associate with.
And, un-PC as it is to say, much of this is reflected in the way they dress. The more sexual attention they court, the more likely they’ve indulged sexual attention.
Validation-seeking behavior is thus one of the strongest flags you can find when it comes to promiscuous girls. These girls are almost guaranteed to be serial monogamists or sluts — and in terms of long-term viability… the former is arguably as bad as the latter.
In addition to the above, you also gauge promiscuity by how a girl spends her time. If she hangs out a lot with family… does things in her community (i.e. cares about her public reputation) she’s less likely to find herself fooling around with guys randomly.
“Vacations” to known party places (“spring break”), in contrast, are near guarantees that “fun” was had.
Finally, you can also expect promiscuity from girls in artistic communities — sexual openness is the norm there. But the flip side of this is that the promiscuity is also going to matter less for the relationship’s success in these circles (people are pickier about the deeper stuff for relationships).
So, those are some boring macro tells.
As for the micro… a great way to determine a girl’s background is to ask if she’s had any serious relationships. This is a fun, innocent question and you can gauge much of this by the gap — if she was mostly in relationships, it’s not likely that she’s been with too many other guys.
And based on what you hear… you can guide the conversation to sex. Many girls will reveal their sexual history if you can make them feel safe + horny enough towards you to go into it.
(Note: This is an advanced skill, you must be very confident in your sexuality to attempt this!)
What you don’t want to do, however, is ask her directly.
And the reason is the same one I question the utility of this approach for.
It subcommunicates neediness.
Now, I know there are reasons beyond this to have an issue with a woman’s sexual history. Perhaps it’s disgust. Perhaps it’s concern about her decision making.
But when you fixate on it the vibe is usually some combination of insecurity-arousal-judgment that really turns a girl off.
To the extent high-value guys go over these things, they leverage it to sexualize the mood… or they discern on their own.
And guess why asking really doesn’t matter anyway?
There’s a pretty good chance she won’t tell you the truth.
Because why would she?
Most girls even today know that guys don’t treat girls who have been around the block with respect. She’s going to downplay most of anything she tells you.
Which is why you have to beyond the micro, and enter the nano.
You need to learn how to read her responses and discern her behavior so you know what sort of girl she actually is.
Will you know everything?
Hard to say. Some girls keep parts of themselves hidden even from experts.
But what’s important is that what you don’t know won’t kill you.
Once you get good at awareness and discernment… you can judge the heart of a woman very easily.
If she’s loyal and honest. What she’s looking for. The maturity level she’s at.
In other words: the stuff that really matters when it comes to selecting women… far more than the “numbered” proxies.
But learning this superpower (which effectively inoculates you from betrayal) takes time and training.
Even those with a talent for it (like yours truly) had to study for years… and get burned quite a few times… to get to where I am today.
Which is why coaching is such an asset.
You get all those lessons… concentrated and squeezed into your brain over a period of months… providing you in half a year what might otherwise take 5.
And given how misjudging people can cost you not only in heartbreak, but in money…
(Divorces ain’t cheap)
… methinks you should consider jumping onboard: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
