A reader writes in about an interesting dilemma:
Hey pat, would love to hear your opinion on this situation I’m in. I’m having somewhat of a hard time. I’m seeing 2 different women and not sure which one I should get serious with.
One of them seems crazy about me, she seems very open to let me lead and excited to be part of my world. She’s very family oriented, hard working, would make a good wife but I feel less attracted to her then the other woman and I’m afraid I will get bored.
The other woman is a lot more attractive but she’s more about her own independence and has strong opinions (some which differ from mine) she plays more hard to get but we get along very well, look great together, and our interests are similar. I can tell she’s really into me and we’d have some great adventures. She’s just more wild, but not necessarily without her own standards.
Should this choice be obvious? I feel like in terms of red pill, if you’re going to get into a LTR/commitment it should be with a wholesome woman right? Especially if she looks up to you. But what if what you’re craving is also some adventure.
Rest assured we’re going to get some good, juicy tidbits out of this lad’s situation. But, it’s not as much as a dilemma as you’d perhaps believe.
For two reasons:
– Girl #1 is running serious Girl Game on this gentleman. This doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be good if his frame is tight… but as he said, she’s “crazy” about him… which means that she’s putting on a front, and it’s impossible to know what’s really beneath the surface.
– He’s not that attracted to Girl #1. End of story. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone.
(BTW, the reason for this is in large part because she’s running game. If you’re not insecure, you can usually sense something is a little too “perfect”.)
So anonymous fellow, you should choose Girl #2.
But I didn’t really have to tell you that, did I? You were just looking for my permission to let you buck red pill dogma.
Anyway, let’s talk a little deeper about why Girl #2 is a good choice…
The first is the most important.
She likes him, but doesn’t NEED him.
I know guys over here sometimes fantasize about a girl obsessing over them. But this is really just a product of a weak, needy core… a desire for validation.
You want your woman to admire and respect you, but an obsessed girl is a girl who is fantasizing… and who has a lot of unmet emotional needs she will expect you to fulfill.
Look guys, independence is a GOOD trait in a woman.It shows that a woman is confident in herself, and enters relationships consciously not impulsively.
But some clarification:
You don’t want a woman who IDENTIFIES as independent, because these women are actually control-freaks, generally insecure / low self-esteem, and only emphasize that they don’t “need” a man as a projection.
Actually independent women don’t have baggage around men — which allows them to give fully to them.
Overt-Dependent (insecure, girl game, validation-seeking, immature femininity)
Avoidant-Dependent (insecure, overcompensating, untrusting, repressed femininity)
Independent (secure, self-directed, flirtatious, practices self-care, tactical femininity)
Interdependent (secure, trusting, surrenders, practices self-care, mature femininity)
DONT MISTAKE #2 for #3, MY BOYS
Now, there is perhaps a red flag with the girl, that could become a problem down the road. The girl and the guy seem to have some pretty different opinions on things, and it’s not clear that she’s actually willing to surrender.
It’s not clear that she’s willing to take the step from independent to interdependent.
This is hard for many women (and men, for that matter) to do.
Interdependent is that special stage where you both give give give and get get get as a result.
But, it’s a prisoner’s dilemma and requires both individuals to be confident… and yet to subjugate their own passing whims towards those of the relationship.
These are the best relationships, bar none. But here’s the thing…
Very rarely do people come to them “naturally.”It usually takes conscious choice.
So, if I were him?
Give girl #2 a whirl.
And see what happens.
Maybe she won’t be long term material.
Maybe there will be some incompatibilities.
But she’ll teach him loads about love and himself.
In fact… the only way to learn more about such matters would be to…
You guessed it…
Work with me.
Anyway, I know it ain’t for everybody.
Which is how I like it.
But if you’re curious and hate wasting time, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application