Hi Pat,this might be a bit offtopic, but something just came back to my mind recently.
Before I’ve read “No more mister nice guy“, the sexlife with my wife went downhill greatly after about 6 months into the marriage.
It turned out, it was because of resentment on my side and constant pressure for her because of it.
It got better (still not great, but oh well, I am difficult to satisfy)
Anyway, back then when we had multiple fights about the sex topic, just ONE time she brought something up she NEVER mentioned before, ever. And never did, ever since. She said “you’re always there, running around naked and stuff” as an explanation why she had no desire.
That doesn’t seem to be the actual reason, because after the book and me changing, she somehow got her desire back. And I didnt change anything in running around naked.
If anything, its more now than back then. I sleep naked and out of the shower, thats mostly it. So idk where that came from.
But this still caught my attention. Is this still a thing, even in a longterm marriage, that you have to make yourself “rare” to raise desire? I am still as horny about her as I always was, years in. Nothing changed for me. But for her apparently I got somewhat boring.
She never said it like that, but still. Do I have to “get lost” from time to time? Go out without her more so she “misses” me?
I thought this would go away after years of dating, because you know the person is there anyway, why should I need the thrill to miss her?
Sorry for the long mail.
Alex
——
Alex – great questions.
I’m going to address this in a piecemeal fashion and then see if we can bring it back together.
There are different variables to sexual attraction with women.
The idea of space is a tricky one.
Women, like men, value things that are not always available. So if you’re going away some place (or just returning), chances are her desire to have sex will be higher than otherwise… assuming she is physically turned on by you to begin with.
At the same time, however, sex is somewhat based on momentum. If you’re not having sex, you’ll have less sex.
(You see this all the time with couples who go from twice a day, to every day, to every other day, to every week… etc)
If I had to guess, the main reason she’d make a negative comment about you “always running around naked” was less about the availability of sex, than by the implicit pressure that you were stripped down meant she should too… and make a move.
A lot of guys — partially through porn’s influence — feel like being naked will just turn a girl on, and make her want to fuck.
That if you lie around with your d*ck out, she’s getting the message that it’s time to do something.
Now, to be sure this happens — especially if you are a physically attractive guy.
(I don’t know your aesthetic, but this is a relevant variable. It’s a known fact attractive people have more sex)
But for the average man “getting naked” and hanging around tells a woman that you’re expecting her to make the first move.
It’s a passive play, and passive plays don’t turn on women.
In fact I think there’s something here much deeper that goes on with men.Something that goes to a dark part of their psyche.
The “where’s mommy” element… that manifests itself with seduction and sex.
One thing that becomes very clear about most seducers is that seduction is a strategy for them, not a tactic.
I say that meaning they don’t seduce because they find it’s the easiest way in that context from point A to point B.
They seduce because they need people to want them.
Many men have this attitude today. It’s a product of society’s femeninization.
And it just doesn’t work unless, again, you are an extremely attractive male specimen.Women are the natural creatures who seek to be desired.
This is a dangerous phrase to say around here, because the moment you mention you should make a woman feel desired, the moment guys say you’re putting a woman on a pedestal.
But again — there is a difference between tactics and strategy. And elevating a woman in hopes of getting laid is different than telling her at the core what you feel.
So to circle back to the question… you will get laid more as a guy if you simply go after it with your woman.But here is the crucial difference: you can’t make her feel like you want her because she controls your release.
Please pay close attention because if you miss the nuance here you will miss the point, and probably send me some stupid email about “this is a beta move.”
Women want to be desired by men who don’t depend on them.
And horniness is a tell said guy doesn’t have control over his own self and, perhaps can’t get laid anywhere else.
This shit is fatal for attraction, because the subtext is that you are begging for sex like a nice guy — all the little affectionate gestures are about YOU, not her. They are orchestrated not spontaneous.
Very rarely these days do I ever get “shot down” by my wife, but that’s because I never approach sex with her from a needy frame. For instance, I might make a direct complimentary comment about how she looks off-hand, do some other shit, be present, and then might lead her to the bedroom 30 minutes later.
I subcommunicate to her that I desire her and want her, I don’t subcommunicate with her I need a release.
A great example of this poor approach is the guy cozying up behind her, trying to “make some moves to get her in the mood.” This approach always sends the wrong signal (indirect, needy) and will lead to rejection more times than not.
(As an aside: in close, loving relationships there are times when you can jokingly play this ‘give me release’ role, and you guys will have great sex despite the dynamic not being “alpha.” But try this more than say once a month — and without the regular dominant attitude to balance out your sexual overtures — and you will watch polarity and sex decline)
Anyway we’ll talk more about this another time, cause there is more to go into… but let’s go back to “spiking her desire.”
And this does require her to “miss” you — but in the permanent-emotional way, not temporary-physical only real way to do this is to introduce competition, AKA dread.
But as I’ve mentioned in the past, dread is something you want to be cautious with using.
Most guys (red pill) use it in order to gain leverage in a transactional relationship. It works — but at the cost of intimacy and trust.
For guys working on deepening trust in a relationship anything more than passive dread can make your woman insecure, leading to more problems not less.
But when you really trust each other, this stuff can be introduced to greater and greater degrees… because you can “play with fire” knowing that you’re wearing gloves and can’t get burned.(Indeed — this is how those rare, effective polyamorous relationships work. Most do not because they never really build that trust and eliminate attachment insecurities)
Finally, there is an indirect form of dread — that of your competition getting lowered, and your woman getting new perspective on how great you are.
The truth is people take their partners for granted.
All it takes is a near-death experience of you — or, say, something a little less dark like your girlfriend hearing about how shitty other guys are from her friends — and you’ll be fucking like the honeymoon stage again.
(Sometimes they just need a reminder)
But the fundamental message I want to make clear is that unless you are willing to play with the threat of loss, you will never get back that new-car excitement sex at the beginning of the relationship.
The compromise is a deeper more intense sex, if you’re willing to put in the work.
Asking which is better is like asking whether you’d prefer to be at a place you know and love, or some place new and exciting, yet unfamiliar.
Anyway, a different topic than usual — but as you can tell there are many frontiers I’ve explored — all of which I can leverage for you.
If you want to find a great girl or group of girls to date? I can show you how to find, attract, and keep them.
If you want a better relationship with your current girl? I know exactly how to get your the sex and affection you miss.
Sign up here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
