The first problem I see with clients which leads them down the path of transactional dating is simple, but frequently overlooked.
And it starts with the most common question I get asked.
“What do I say to her?”
I’ll just be blunt: this is the WRONG question to ask.
I know a lot of guys swear by routines and canned lines — and sure, it’s ok to have 1-2 on standby — but if you’re worrying about “what” to say you’re in the wrong mental space… and creating a low chance of the interaction going anywhere… and a non-existent chance of any non-transactional dynamic with the girl.
The reason is simple.
Nothing canned is going to really connect with her.
It’s fake, and the girls who aren’t fake themselves are going to feel it.
Really, it’s easy to have conversations with almost anybody (there are a handful who SUCK, but that’s their problem not yours).
But you need to have one attitude internalized.
Curiosity.
And the reason is simple.
Curiosity is unleashed intuition and creativity.
It orients you emotionally towards the other person… while making you logically engaged.
It creates a feeling of connection instantly and provides ample material for conversation.
Guys asking “what should I say” are coming at the whole interaction from a position of “I’m in my head, I’m outcome oriented, I need to fake my way through this.”
Instead of thinking about it like: “I’m in the moment, I’m outcome independent, I don’t need anything just want to see what this person is about.”
Curiosity is an unselfconscious, childlike attitude. It lends itself to play.
Which is why most people today have lost it.
But it’s really the key to establishing connections with women.
Women leave breadcrumbs everywhere about themselves.
Say that she says she’s from Iowa. What are your options?
Most guys will say “oh, that’s cool” (unconvincingly) and then immediately think “what do I say next?”
Then they descend into small talk until both parties are bored and the conversation dissolves.
Better is to riff off of the topic.
“Iowa, cool! What was it like growing up there? You guys sneak off into the cornfields in high school to party and make out, or is that just my overly active imagination”
Whether she says yes or no to this assumption/question combination, you’ve immediately shown you’re:
a) paying attention
b) know how to turn a topic fun
c) introduced a romantic vibe and
d) leave endless avenues to jump off of.All that it takes is curiosity — the feeling of giving a shit about what the other person is saying.
(Which makes it impossible for things to be just transactional)
Anyway, that’s all for today.
But if you want some personalized help on this issue, you know where to go: www.patstedman.com/application
I have ways of getting people out of their head and in tune with themselves…
– Pat
