A big problem with black-white thinking on relationships is there is an assumption that all “beta” styled relationships are the same… and that the same approach will work for each of them.
There are two types I see commonly.
The first is the “best friends” dynamic. This is a relationship characterized but trust and comfort. But perhaps with suppression of the guy himself.
They have a “good” marriage but without much passion. Maybe sex once a week. Or once a month.
She “wears the pants,” but not necessarily overtly. They could talk to each other very sweetly, in fact.
The second type is the “passive aggressive” dynamic. This isn’t really a good marriage. They might still have sex but there isn’t a lot of trust or comfort. There might be some desire there but not enough for the guy to be an actual leader.
The former dynamic is going to benefit a lot from the red pill “desire” approach to a relationship.
The latter, only somewhat.
The reason?
Trust.
(Read: Trust is More Important Than Love)
What people don’t seem to appreciate is that change can be very scary for your partner.
Some of this fear is good. Fear makes people look at you differently; with more interest.
But fear also creates negative emotions, which can create more tension in the dynamic.
Here’s a fact:
When you change in a relationship, you will make your woman uncomfortable.
And when you change when she doesn’t trust you, this change will be interpreted as a threat.
In these former relationships, a man can improve, become more of a leader, even dabble in a bit of dread, and see the relationship blossom, with only a moderate bit of lag on the part of the woman.
In the latter relationships, if you go full throttle into amplifying your desire for other women, she will likely lash out more — which will either hamper your own progress or make you think about leaving.
Indeed, I am 100% certain many guys who have taken the “red pill” route to improvement have seen relationships end for this very reason.
They blame it on the woman.
Which is true enough, in a sense.
But there are better ways to navigate this (assuming staying in the relationship is what they wanted… and perhaps I shouldn’t make that assumption).
If you have middling comfort and desire in a relationship, you need to tackle both simultaneously.
Or rather, tack between them constantly.
Start going to the gym… and start treating your wife kinder.
Casually flirt with women when you’re out… and start really expressing desire for your woman.
Get attention from other people… and give more attention to her.
Stick and carrot.
Will this work on emotionally damaged women?
Maybe not.
But I don’t try to help guys save these relationships, since you can only have an unhealthy, transactional, strong-weak power dynamic in them.
I focus on improving relationships that have a loving base.
And preventing people from messing these relationships up via platitudes from damaged men on internet forums.
Anyway.
The one thing I’ll say about this that I understand, is it’s not always easy to navigate when you should tack one direction, and when you should go the other.
Very often guys will misjudge this.
Which is why it’s helpful to have someone like me who can read the subtext of her behavior, and help guide you to the right approach.
(An especially important thing to keep in mind when you both have kids)
Fill out an application if it’s a fit for you: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
