One common gripe men to have, especially when they enter “the sphere,” is the idea that a woman will sleep with some guys immediately, while “waiting” for guys she actually wants to date seriously.
(Commonly referred to as “alpha fux, beta bux”)
I am very sympathetic to this complaint. It’s kind of fucked up that some guy she would never want something serious with can have sex with a girl off the bat, whereas a “catch” has to hold off.
And so I can’t blame guys for saying they’re not interested in girls who make them wait when in all likelihood she’s had one night stands on Spring Break, backpacking, or after a night in the club…
But I also want to put a little nuance on the situation. Because there are two reasons a girl will wait for a guy — and one is not like the other.
The first scenario, and the one most complained about, is that women make guys hold off on sex when they don’t really want them to begin with. This is the classic “beta” situation — a girl picks a guy because he “makes sense,” or she’s lonely, or she needs the validation…
The problem for guys in these scenarios, however, isn’t really that she’s not sleeping with him off the bat.
It’s that she doesn’t really like him.
She’s using him for comfort and attention. The desire isn’t even in the equation.
So guys in this situation shouldn’t just be annoyed. They should leave the girl.
It’s guys in the second scenario that are a bit more interesting though.In these cases the girl really does like the guy. She might even be touching herself thinking about him. He’s on her mind constantly.
But she wants to hold off on sex because she wants to keep HIM.
She doesn’t want him to think she’s cheap, and move on.
And most importantly: she wants to increase the sexual tension so that he’s even more invested than before.
The reason women do this is simple:
It works.
And even more so, the opposite does not.
Be honest with yourself.
If you just meet a girl, and sleep with her on the first date, are you more likely to invest in her?
And when you do have sex, is the sex going to be better or worse than that one night stand you had a year ago?
I bring up this question not to justify female selective promiscuity. The truth is that while women SHOULD make you, this guy she lusts after, wait… she should also make all guys wait. And if that means passing up on cheap sexual experiences she can only have in the moment, she should do that.
But so long as guys are seeking that stuff out, running game to bang, we can’t expect things to be any different.
Too many guys want their cake and eat it too.
So what to do?
Well, you can consider what I did.
I changed the assumption that getting laid immediately was always desirable.
Because here’s the truth…
If I was out traveling and met a girl, he clicked, etc… I knew things would progress faster than usual.
A hookup would be almost guaranteed.
After all, when would we get an opportunity to consummate the tension again?
But for girls I met in the place I lived, who were around for a bit… I just stopped putting emphasis on the hookup.
I knew it would happen.
What was more important was my ability to leave an imprint on her mind.
So that when we did hook up… it would be hot, passionate, and not the last time.
In fact the more I think about it… the need to hook up immediately, and feeling “beta” if it doesn’t happen sounds a lot like a scarcity mentality.
Like you’ve got one chance to capture your prey before she escapes forever…
Anyway.
Food for thought on this Wednesday.
But just the tip of the iceberg, really. There’s a lot more to psychological attraction than this.
Which is why I do coaching.
Unlike this generic content, when we work together all my wisdom and insight is leveraged directly towards you.
Your situation.
Your values.
Your goals.
And I will help you to achieve them as easily and quickly as possible.
Go here if it applies: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
