An acquaintance sent out a message to her group chat the other day that I found very interesting.
(yes, I have spies who share such things with me)
A little background on said woman before we dive in:
She had been dating a guy who was poly, but the relationships was dysfunctional and eventually ended… and so she found herself once again on the market.
And, was slated to go on a date with some guy.
But she was feeling pretty down on herself.
Unattractive.
Lonely.
Worth nothing more than a hook up.
And so, when said guy asked her out — she demurred, in a very self-pitying way.
“I don’t know why you’d want to go out with me. You probably just want to hook up. I’m not really worth your time.”
Now, experienced daters know these words are basically words of submission. It is easy (though not necessarily desirable) to go out with a woman like this, because she is low self-esteem and low self-esteem women are easy to game.
But this guy still managed to blow it.
Not because he was persey incompetent with women (this girl is quite attractive), but because he fell into a trap.
One he might have ordinarily avoided… but not due to her sad prompting.
The vulnerability trap.
He became her friend, empathizing with her and trying to cheer her up, tell her that she WAS worth it.
Almost immediately, their text exchange became one big emoji orgy.
And — surprise, surprise — after she felt better (got her validation fix, like a vampire), she thanked the guy… and then kicked the can about going on a date with him.
I’m sure he’s confused.
He thought that she was weak and vulnerable, and that he just needed to cheer her up and she’d be in.
But you dear reader will learn the real lesson.
One that applies not only in dating, but relationships.
When a woman is upset do not descend to her level.
This girl was acting helpless because she was looking for masculinity.
She was looking for a guy who get her out of her head, and lead.
Not a guy who would cater to her mood, and try to argue her into feeling better.
Your approach might vary here, based on your personality and style.
But the basic idea is simple:
You move past the pity-party and don’t try to convince her of anything. You make a genuine statement and move the interaction forward.
An example:
“Rough day?”
She will likely vent a bit more here, and then after you acknowledge her feelings you move her out that space and towards the date.
The point is, you don’t try to fix anything — you just hold space.
When her wave of emotions passes you’ll just reiterate the date… and it will almost certainly happen.
And if she asks you ‘test questions’ like “you just want to hook up with me don’t you” — you NEVER lie and say it’s not important to you. It’s totally OK to tell a girl “Yeah, I do. If I wasn’t physically attracted to you we wouldn’t have connected. But I’d still like to get to know if we’re a good fit otherwise.”
One caveat to this whole scenario, however.
Any girl that is going to play these esteem games with you (a stranger) isn’t in a good place.
So in all likelihood I’d actually stay away.
But up to you.
Point of the whole thing is to realize that you never want to become a girls “emotional dump”, especially when sex isn’t forthcoming.
Since that will land you in one and only one place.
The friendzone.
Anyway, if you need help navigating the labyrinth of female interaction, you know where to go: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
