“The most erotic thing for a woman is to be desired.
The most repulsive thing for a woman is to be lusted after.
Most guys will never understand the difference.”
I tweeted this out the other day, and many guys asked for clarification, so as promised here we go…
The first thing to understand about these two things is the intention behind them.
The former is based on a want. The latter is built on a need.
Wants are natural desires that come from internally validated individuals.
Needs come about when they don’t.
Wants are natural outgrowths of a healthy emotional core.
This is confusing because people often say “I want something” but their attitude is in fact a need. You know this because their emotional reaction shows the desperation.
Think of a spoiled child begging her mother “I want this!” She claims she only wants it, yet if she doesn’t get it, said child will melt down. This is because possession of the object is required to maintain the subject’s well-being.
Wants don’t have this expectation attached to them.
Which creates an irony that is very very good for people who only have wants.
They don’t place demands on anybody else.
They are internally secure, so they can ask people for things without seeming like they’re taking from them.
Now, we’re going quite meta here and I don’t want to lose you.
But these dynamics are the same in sex.
Lust is when you have sexual need. When it controls you.
But lust is also more than that. It’s a fetishization, like porn.
Lusting after someone is basically saying they have complete control over you. You need them for release. You are using them.
Desire is different.It’s wanting them.
There is internal control, and a lack of depersonalization.
She adds value to your life, and so you want her.
The distinction is subtle on the surface, but you can feel it. Especially if you’ve been on the receiving end.
A quick example:
I was talking to a client the other day, and he mentioned a gay guy hit on him recently, and it gave him a skeezy feeling.
Not because the guy was GAY, but because the guy was obviously hitting on him to get something from him.
(Gay guys can hit on straight guys and not give off this feeling, btw)
The gay guy was so focused on getting his own needs met he was unable to read my client. My client was an object for him, to use for gratification.
I’ve experienced similar things, and I can tell you it gives you a lot of empathy for women.
Which leads me to the crux of this all.
Women want sex. And they want to be desired and appreciated for their beauty and femininity.
But they don’t like to give it to guys who not only need them, but objectify them for their need.
Anyway, think you get the picture.
Purge yourself of lust, but talk to women with a deep sense of desire.
If you do this, things will go very well for you with the ladies.
And if you need help sorting out those expectations and needs (not easy stuff to sort out), you know where to go: www.patstedman.com/application