Premising this for my boys.
No, I am not becoming Matthew Hussey and working with women (though I respect the game).
I ain’t switching no teams.
But, for the few women on here who might be (creepily) lurking, and for the general knowledge of my gentlemen, I wanted to give some advice.
A few pearls of wisdom, that I trust will not be thrown amongst swine.
Get rid of your guy friends.
Most of them, at least.
(I’m not dogmatic.)
I’m sure you’ve got some childhood male friends that things are easy and natural with.
Maybe a few others that inspire you.
But if you’re single and you’ve got a cadre of comrades in the wings, you’re doing it wrong… and are definitely hampering your dating life.
How do I know?
Despite what you say you want, you’re not acting like you’re looking for a boyfriend.
Asking your bros for perspective on this or that (meta: attention-seeking), requesting favors, times to hang out, and flirting shows you’re not searching for Mr. Right… you’re redirecting your needs to a crowd (and in many cases, already taken, unavailable men).
Not that I care.
I’m not “judging.” It’s not a moral mistake.
Just a silly one.
You need to understand how your mind works.
Because very often, it’s not on your side.
No boyfriend and lots of boy friends makes Jane a picky girl.
And not the right kind of picky.
The kind of picky who unconsciously expects a single guy to give her all the validation of a bunch of orbiters *and* the intimacy (without any value given on her end).
It’s a fantasy that just ain’t happening.
In life, you can either go broad or deep.
You only have so much emotional bandwidth.
But breadth means it’s spread over a large area.
Which means it’s one layer deep.
Superficial.
Which is why you’re always unsatisfied.
But I get it.
You don’t want to feel alone… you don’t want to feel undesirable… you don’t want to be hurt…and allowing yourself the space to go deep with one person means that you have to be OK with all these uncomfortable emotions, because there will be times no one else will alleviate them.
But I also don’t know what to tell you.
Spiritual growth is painful.
You can talk about empowerment all you want, but you’re really just prostituting yourself out — you’re showing you’re weak — if you’re collecting male admirers and buddies.
And you better believe the guys you really want are going to smell this insecurity and not want to accommodate it.
Moreover, it means that you’re not going to be emotionally available even if said guy comes around.
You’ll miss your window.
And when you miss your window… it really is game over, because when the looks go, those orbiters suddenly just don’t care.
Which will literally be a catastrophe in your life.
(I see it all the time.)
Anyway.
No pitch here cause I’m not working with you.
But guys, if you want help screening for such validation-seeking behavior, you know where to go: www.patstedman.com/application
Subcommunication, particularly of the female variety, is my strong suit.
You’ll be a relative pro at discerning it by the time I’m done with you…
– Pat
