Yesterday we talked about the negative effects of an excessively close relationship with one’s mother into adulthood.
We saw how it impacted relationships.
But what about dating?
It’s an interesting question.
Many of these guys develop a fear of women — understandably, because they lacked masculine influence and self-responsibility (and the confidence that comes with it).
But many of these guys also get an aptitude for something that will serve them very well with the ladies:
Seduction.
I’ve mentioned this in passing before, but it bears repeating.
Men get seduction from their mothers, and dominance from their fathers.
Indeed: controlling for personality, this is the best way to discern which “hand” a guy is most likely to play in his forays with women. Men bonded to their mothers are natural seducers — even with later life conditioning by men towards dominance, their aptitude will not be erased.
Those with a critical mind, however, might have a question:
“Pat, I thought you said earlier that men bonded to their mothers aren’t generally so great with women”
I did — **because having an orientation towards a manner of behavior does not mean one will necessarily be good at it.**
To explore this:
If a woman is the primary provider of value (food and affection) to a young boy, he’s going to make it a priority to learn how to get said value.
This is normal (for girls too). But if said boy does not have a masculine influence around puberty to counterbalance this, he is going to learn that he must do things for women gets his needs met.
For most, it’s “being a good boy.” In these cases the boy is helpful and dutiful. These boys are especially trained so when their mother has a victim complex and no man to take on the duty of hero.
These men become betas.Other boys, however, learn that charming their mothers is more effective. Their service is less tangible and more psychological. They make their mothers laugh, make their mothers so enamored with them that their mothers shower them with affection.These men become seducers.
Both, however, use indirect means of getting things from women (and derive validation from women)— so in practice these lines can blur.
It is for this reason that most recovering betas gravitate naturally towards seduction, and most seducers (when you puncture their frame) fall naturally back to being betas.
They need female attention; that is the orientation that guides them — ergo it is much easier when “unplugging” to change the means than the mentality. Now, you might at this point think seduction is a female trait, and you are on the road to beta for simply employing it.
This would be rash, however.
Seduction IS a feminine (indirect, formless) way to get what you want, versus dominance.
But:
a) It is effective
b) you deal with the hand you’re dealt (why dispose of a skill?)
And most importantly:
c) Just because a skill is more natural among people with a certain frame, it does not mean the skill is tied to the frame
In other words…
Seduction and Dominance are approaches that are independent of frame.
(though they often correlate with it)
You can be a self-directed (vs validation-seeking) seducer, you just need to keep Persona subservient to Personality.
We’ll explore that more tomorrow.
If you want to pass the time ‘till then, fill out an application: www.patstedman.com/application
(Just kidding, only the serious need apply)
– Pat
PS I go into this in depth in the masterclass, so if you’re not ready for coaching… go here: masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page
