Ah Mother’s Day. A moment to appreciate the women who brought us into the world.
I love my mother a lot. She was supportive, loving, reliable. At the times of my life that weren’t exactly great, my mom’s unconditional love was always available.
I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
But this love also came with a dark side.
It made it tough to grow up.
If there was a problem, mom would take care of it. If I needed something, mom would be there.
Well into my mid-20s — though I was loathe to admit it — I was a momma’s boy.
Not in the way you’d stereotype, necessarily.
I lived with a bunch of guys, 20 minutes away in the city. I had flings and relationships with scores of women.
Ostensibly it wasn’t even affecting me…
That is, until I got into a serious relationship with the woman who became my wife.
THAT’S when it became clear that on a deep level I was far more attached to my mother than I thought.
And it was a huge problem… because it soon became clear I was more attached to her… even than my wife.
Now, this misplaced loyalty didn’t become apparent in any glaring display.
There weren’t “fireworks,” with my wife and mother hating each other, and me stuck in the middle.
(Though this often happens to guys in my situation, so I dodged a bullet. They love each other and never tried to manipulate me against each other.)
But in subtle ways it became clear.
For example:
If my mother seemed to need help, I would put her before my wife (even though my mother never asked or pressured me to do anything like this).
If I needed something, I would look to my mother to do it and not her.
I even discussed problems and ideas with my mother I wouldn’t tell my wife.
These little things accumulated… especially after the wedding.
And it prevented our relationship from really maturing, and introduced negative tension, as I was:
a) Not really becoming a man
b) Not showing investment in my marriage
Anyway, so I stopped. I realized what I was doing wasn’t healthy and stopped letting my mom do things for me, even when she offered.
Why mention such personal anecdotes?
Because I know what happened to me is a lot more common than people think.Indeed — it is only growing.
And you need to be honest with yourself if it’s happening to you.
The truth is, I was really quite lucky.
I may be my mom’s “baby,” but she’s married, socially busy, and has tons of grandchildren. She doesn’t need me to fulfill that role for her anymore. My mother DIDN’T want to come between me and my wife, and she DIDN’T want to be responsible for me. She was just caught in a pattern, as was I. So it was relatively easy to take that final step into a more healthy relationship.
Only children of single mothers, in contrast, are often not so fortunate.
They’re alone, they don’t have romantic prospects, and they coddle their boys (who also lack masculine modeling) — keeping them in a state of arrested development. Unconsciously they literally don’t want them to grow up, and definitely don’t want to share them with anyone.
And so, many of these boys struggle painfully to date women.
How do I know?
Well, I’ve worked with quite a few at this point, so I know their struggles intimately.
SO, if any of this applies to you, DON’T ignore it.
You NEED to confront this or your life will never get better.
It is an anchor on your masculinity and your ability to be a man.
Sounds extreme, but it’s true.
And the implications are far more than just women…
If you want help changing it, sign up here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS We’re going to revist this topic tomorrow with a twist, stay tuned…
