I was talking to an ex-client of mine the other day about the current status of his relationship.
Things are overall pretty good. Over the 6 months of working together, he shifted from a position of powerlessness to a position of authority in the relationship… a dynamic which has been effectively solidified.
And yet, though he became the family’s leader… he wasn’t always one she’s enjoyed following.
They had more s*x, but inconsistently.
He earned more, looked better, acted more confidently… and yet still she would on occasion turn down his advances.
It was a frustrating thing for a guy who was doing literally everything right. What should a man in such a position do?
RP Theory would suggest the answer is simple:
Clearly there is an SMV mismatch, what you need to do is give her hard dread and then if she doesn’t put out more, next her or open the relationship up
An unsurprising solution for the simpleminded: “Cheat on your wife or you’re BETA!”
But the truth is we dabbled in dread, and while initially there was some tactical success, the problems soon after got WORSE.
Which honestly didn’t surprise me.
Because the issue wasn’t my client’s attractiveness, but how that attractiveness made his wife FEEL.You see, with power came greater assertiveness on this part. And for good reason… he was a competent catch by all standards.
But though his wife loved this biologically… psychologically it was VERY diminishing… since her identity had been built around her OWN competence. By being literally better at making judgments, he took that away.
Some of you might scoff at this, or wonder where I’m going with it.
“Whoa, is Pat Stedman saying he should have stayed passive and let her run things?”
Obviously not (remember we worked on him to do the opposite?)
Biologically all women want their men to lead.
But you MUST, nevertheless, also understand where women have psychological weaknesses. And not run roughshod over them.
Remember: To lead an ego, you must pace it first.
Which in layman’s terms means: women aren’t going to change behavior for men who insult their core identity.
(Or at the very least, not pleasantly.)
You need to make her FEEL important and competent. You need to not only be attractive to her, you need to be LOVING to her.
Only once she feels LOVED and VALUABLE can she let go of her emotional barriers to your judgement and truly embrace your leadership. Which might involve, in the domains she is suited for, letting her take the reigns. I know, I know… less micromanaging is big sacrifice for a lot of s*x (much of it her initiating).
It’s definitely counterintuitive.
But, most things are in the affairs of the heart.
Which is why many of you could benefit from someone to help navigate them.
(someone like me)
I tackle every relationship with nuance. Because while patterns repeat… every relationship is different.
We implement WHAT WORKS FOR YOU, not what works in theory.
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– Pat
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