You’ve probably heard me talk about Personality quite a bit by this point. Two terms I throw around a lot with it are “integrated” and “healthy.”
But what do these terms mean? Are they just filler words?
No, they’re not, but I am guilty for not explaining them.
Integrated is a term that comes out depth psychology. It concerns the development of cognitive functions and the balancing of the ego with the rest of the personality.
It might be called more basically, maturity. Though there are nuanced differences…
“Health” on the other hand has more to do with trauma and neuroticism affecting the personality. It’s volatility, anxiety, depression, personality disorders…
Health is the stability of the personality and integration is the dimensions of it.
As a rule, you’re going to seek out people with similar levels of health and integration unconsciously. Though there are exceptions (everyone’s dated someone less healthy than them…)
One piece of “food for thought” with this however…
A lot of times when people break up, there’s an implication that “well, we’ll see what happens in the future”
90% of the time, this is just a way to ease the parting for one party… and total bs. Things didn’t work out for a reason and now they’re over.
But sometimes things DO change.
And most of this has to do with integration.
When I was younger, I used to argue with people ALL THE TIME
I didn’t have a lot of tact, and I really, really wanted to be right.
I annoyed a lot of people doing this.
Now, I’m still me, and I still am opinionated and like being right…
But I don’t really like arguing much anymore. I see it pedantic (not useful) in most cases and damaging to relationships. If I catch myself arguing with someone I usually try to smooth things out (“agree to disagree,” and if I see someone else picking a pointless fight I try to head it off.
Practitioners of MBTI would not be terribly surprised, as this is the natural progression of integration for an ENTP (the emergence of Fe, extroverted feeling).
But I’m not here to talk about myers-briggs, just to make a point.
Sometimes people don’t work out because they’re TOO IMMATURE. It’s not that there isn’t chemistry, but that their egos clash too much.
I think this is particularly common with Anima relationships, which are “opposites attracting” in youth but in time grow more to understand each other (as they understand themselves).
Issues with psychological health on the other hand? These rarely come back together… and if so, with bad results.
Unhealthy people can become healthy, but trauma is difficult to resolve entirely, and neuroticism is likely genetic – something that needs to be grappled with throughout life.
This doesn’t mean neurotics can’t achieve health, but it does mean that they don’t come by it easily. They have less room for error with who they surround themselves with and how they design their lives.
Which means that someone who you had an unhealthy dynamic with in the past is NOT going to be a good person to spend time around in the future. You guys have bad patterns of interaction, and are going to drag each other into a pit again.
So while a mentally unhealthy ex can become healthy through conscious work… they are not going to become healthy again with you.
Case in point why most ended relationships deserve to remain in the graveyard.
Anyway, if you want to hear me explain type dynamics in detail – get my 14+ hour masterclass. I spend a whole half-hour on it alone.