I’ve been having an issue with one client.
We’ll go into that a bit below, but first a little precursor on my coaching so you know the scene.
One of the big things I do in my coaching practice is “deep work.”
It’s something I pride myself on: long conversations with the client, psychotherapeutical in nature, where we unravel dissonant beliefs and baggage.
In these convos I guide the client but the goal is for him to come to these realizations himself. I rarely talk from an advisory standpoint until the end when he is in the place himself to receive my thoughts (if applicable even then).
This is the ideal, and indeed the norm.
Though with one client, I’ve found myself a little off-track.
Part of the problem is the dynamic is not as seamless as usual. 90% of guys who work with me no longer have any investment in their prior worldview towards women. Their conscious mind is ready for change; their subconscious simply needs to catch up. My job is to help them do that.
It’s a bit different with this guy.
Unlike the rest, consciously he’s not “100% broken”— which leads to situations when we are butting heads.
It’s gotten to the point where yours cruelly has started to get concerned about being too tough.
Am I though?
I thought about this a bit this morning.
Was I being insensitive?
I came to the conclusion, yes. This guy’s been through a lot of rough stuff and I often gloss over it when talking to him. Moreover I am interested in efficacy and there’s no benefit to getting a guy’s back up every time we talk.
Maybe I could be nicer. Maybe my own critical baggage is even getting projected into the situation, making me lose perspective. Who knows?
But, as I’ve marinated on it, I’m not too concerned.
First of all, he’s a great guy, and I think he wants his life to change… and will ultimately do what it takes to make it happen. There is simply a lag with accepting the extent of sacrifice that’s required.
But secondly — I’m OK with being a “mean coach.”
If he ends up hating me, so what?
I am being honest with him in a way no one else has before. Indeed, that is what he paid me for. The usual rules of “smile and nod” when you smell excuses do not apply.
Truly it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much.
And if he doesn’t see that today, eventually he will.
He could cancel his contract with me tomorrow and I would still be coaching him years from now. Our conversations would rebound in his mind, over and over again, haunting him like a ghost.
(The ultimate “virtual coaching course” if you will)
In my practice you simply cannot escape the truth.
So if you’re not prepared for it?
Don’t apply.
This isn’t a draft, you sign up on your own volition. Training sucks but it has a purpose.
The dating world is a war-zone, and you need to be equipped to survive.
Either face the facts now in basic or find yourself curled in a ball helplessly while shells (rejections) land all over you.
Anyway, for the brave, here’s the link to “volunteer” to work with me.
Best,
Pat
FYI – I only publish old emails on the website. To join the list and get the new, daily-ish ones, go here: www.patstedman.com/optin
