I’ve talked many times over the years about the difference between subcommunication vs communication – so much so that it is, in a way, my “niche.”

Why do I care so much about it?

Let’s return to my Twitter thread the other day about “self vs other orientation” with women and I’ll show you…

One thing I mentioned in my thread was that “she wants you to stabilize her moods, not vice versa.”

Most guys who here this think to themselves, “but I AM trying to stabilize her moods, that’s why I’m trying to help, make her feel better, etc…”

But there’s a paradox to communication most people don’t know, or if they do, can’t seem to live by:

External actions generally belie opposing internal motives.

In other words, why you say you’re doing something is rarely why you’re actually doing it.

And even if neither you nor the opposing party “consciously” realize this is the case, they feel it.

Example:

Let’s say my wife has a long week at work, she’s beaten down. So I clean up the house, fill up the pantry, fix the broken lights, etc.

This is obviously something on the surface that should make her happy.

But.

What if I’m doing it because I think it will make her happy?

What if my good actions have an outcome-seeking intent?

This matters — indeed, it is the root cause of resentment in relationships.

One party does something kind with an underlying “expectation of response,” which if not met, becomes “lack of appreciation”… the kinda bullshit that creates a lot of bad blood, as both parties feel used / manipulated.In my lingo I distinguish such desire/comfort creating actions — tactics, from motive / mindset — strategy.

(Read: Tactics, Strategy and Women)

The reality is these two forces are different skill sets and are difficult to reconcile, but their lack of reconciliation is 100% of the reason why guys aren’t aces with women.

Most intellectual guys excel with tactics; more physical guys excel with strategy.

The “naturals” manage easily with both.

(though they may not know why…)

But there’s something in here that’s important for you to understand.If you’re reading this, there is a 90% chance you started out with neither tactics nor strategy in your arsenal.

You had a bad mindset with women, and you didn’t understand what to do to attract them.

There’s no shame in this. But you need to understand, learning techniques and female psychology only works tactics — you can’t think your way into getting strategy.

Yes, I will concede there is some cross-over, similar to that between competence and confidence. The more you know, the more confident you are in yourself.

But they are different circles in a venn-diagram — just because they overlap, it does not make them one and the same.

Developing your mindset is a physical, instinctual process.

Guys who “get” it usually mirrored it from masculine figures growing up or had it burned in them through hardship or physical ordeals that forced self-reliance and orientation.

(This is why guys who lift generally have better mindsets — pressure on your body is pressure on your mind).

Point is, you can’t substitute intellect for instinct.

Indeed, if you try, you can learn everything there is to learn about women and still be mediocre with them.

Many guys attempt to conceal this mental weakness by seducing lots of girls, as girls have a hard time telling a well-practiced tactician from a strategist in the short term.

Long term, however, these guys can’t hack it.

And they know it.

This isn’t all guys who seduce girls, as seduction is a tactic that does not reveal intent. But it’s a sizeable chunk.

Anyway.

What you need to realize is that success with women is majority about taking yourself into considerations in your decisions.

Cleaning the house, fixing shit, etc because you feel it’s intrinsically the right thing to do, not for an outcome.

(This goes for the whole of life, by the way…)

And no, I don’t mean “doing it for yourself” in a passive-aggressive way, which is reactive, very shitty subcommunication.

I mean learn to care about YOU, and stop trying to please her.

A good way to start?

Always “check in” as to why you are doing things.

It won’t get you there entirely. But it’ll start showing you your bullshit, and the “real” reason you do things for women.

(Hint: There’s probably a lot more nice guy intent than you’d care to admit.)

And if you want to get rid of that mindset fast?

Apply to work with me: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat

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