This past Saturday was just “one of those days.”
My wife and I had a wedding to go to in Eastern Connecticut, and had an early 7AM train we needed to get on to make it.
We were running close to the wire when we entered the station, but fortunately we saw the track next to us was boarding. The departure time said 7AM — a good sign — and when we showed our tickets to the conductor he waived us through. Even better.
After a hectic commute through traffic, we finally sat down to relax.
Unfortunately, we only had about a minute to breathe.
As the train started to leave the station, the conductor said over the speaker: “This is a Philadelphia bound train, stopping at Newark, Trenton, Upper Merion…”
I immediately stood up and turned to her — “we’re on the wrong train!” Fortunately, we had a first stop at Newark, so we could get off before we went too far from NYC (for those who don’t know, it’s across the river in Jersey, only 20 minutes away).
But Amtrak trains are PRICEY, and the only other train we could possibly take that would get us to the wedding in time arrived just 15 minutes before the ceremony started. It was *possible* to get on it and make it, but it would be cutting it close.
I was in favor of it. Because the Amtrak conductor let us on, we had a pretty good case for getting on the next train for free. We could change here, hop in an uber, and make it.
But my wife felt differently. She did not want to get ready for the wedding in the Newark public bathroom (understandably), and wanted to actually have a chance to enjoy the place we were going to, see the downtown, get breakfast, etc.
She proposed renting a car so we’d get there a few hours earlier. I thought it over for a minute and agreed, even though it meant we had to take a short train to the Newark Airport and shell out some more cash.
But the truth is, I didn’t really want to take the car. I wanted to save the money, and I didn’t want to wake up early after the wedding to drive back.
As we took the long, tedious shuttle across the airport I could feel myself getting resentful and bitchy. “She wants to do this because it’s easier for her, even though it sucks for me and costs more money. Why are we doing this?,” I thought.
About 10 minutes into the ride I stopped finally myself. It hit me we were doing this for an obvious reason.
Because I DECIDED it. She wouldn’t have gone to the airport without me. Should would have done what I chose.
She might have been annoyed about it, but she would have done it.
Whether it was smart or not does not matter, I decided it, and I had to OWN the decision.
Maybe I shouldn’t have gone along with her plan. Maybe I should have insisted upon mine. But I didn’t, and *if you volunteered to do something you didn’t want to do, no one is to blame but yourself.*
“Agreeing” to do something and then being passive aggressive and resentful about it afterwords isn’t attractive. It’s not what leaders do. After all, when you don’t take responsibility for your decisions you are subcommunicating that you do not deserve to lead.
Women smell this and are disgusted by it. “We should have done what I wanted” is the behavior of a petulant child with no agency.
If you wanted to do something else, DO IT. Or at least find a compromise that is mutually satisfying.
Resentment is a tell of a broken frame, because resentment shows you did not advocate for yourself. It shows you did not think your plan was good enough, or that what you wanted wasn’t good enough.
It’s a sign you’ve failed to show up like a man.
Understand, there’s nothing wrong with going along with your woman’s plan. But if you decide to go with it, get that it’s not just her plan anymore.
It’s yours.
I’m glad I caught onto my bullshit quickly, because once I took ownership the rest of the day went very well. Even when mishaps occurred, I didn’t complain or blame. The result: she trusted my judgment and appreciated me.
Pass the buck, and you pass the mantle of control.
Think long-term, not short, for your own good.
And if you want help making this shift in your own relationship?
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
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