So story time…
The other weekend at a party, a friend introduced me a guy who was having some trouble in a relationship.
**This is par for the course for me when I go out, and usually I don’t mind. It’s flattering and feels good to help, plus the conversations are usually interesting**
Anyway, turns out this guy is in a real bad way.
When he approached me, he could barely face me — in fact, he began his story staring at the floor until I told him directly: “look at me when you are talking”
Well, turns out his was more or less a classic tale: he was feeling controlled by his girlfriend. Whenever he was talking to other girls (even allegedly platonically), she’d show up.
He was clearly miserable and fully under her thumb… but felt helpless to do anything about.
I listened sympathetically and gave him no specific instruction (that’s for my clients), but seeing how the guy had fallen into a 100% feminine frame, I simply asked him some questions to challenge that.
A “soft” red pill, if you will.
He clearly was interested in this different line of thinking and kept asking more questions, which I happily answered and expanded upon.
When we came to topics he didn’t feel comfortable with (which is normal) — I simply told him “up to you man, believe what you want.”
Eventually I went off with my friends satisfied that I had planted some seeds in the man for freedom and self-respect, and put it out of my mind.
A few days later, I got an angry message… from his girlfriend.
Apparently he started flirting with another woman in front of her… and when she joined the conversation he told her to stop “cockblocking him.”
Of course, all hell broke loose, and his frame quickly collapsed… which he covered for by — you guessed it — blaming me.
Now, to be fair, I DO take some of the blame.
I was drunk, so my thoughts probably lacked context, and I neither understood the couple’s full story nor his incredible lack of social calibration.
Loose lips sink ships, and I accept responsibility for my irresponsibility.
Yet you know what I blame myself the MOST for?
Trying to save a guy who didn’t want to be saved.
Looking back it was clear he might have been miserable, but he wasn’t ready for freedom.
He lacked awareness of his situation and — most importantly — himself.
He was still in the “blame” mode — blaming her when the fault was 110% on himself and his lack of boundaries.
Hell, he didn’t even reach out to me, his friend did!
The signs were all there this guy felt victimized by his situation instead of empowered to change it.
Learn from my mistakes, my friends.
If a guy is upset and blaming the world for his problems, he’s not ready.
He doesn’t see his own bullshit yet… and until you see your own bullshit, you can’t truly see the bullshit of those around you.
Change takes humility — which is why most have to hit rock bottom for it to happen.
So, don’t be Captain Save a Bro.
Smile and nod, sympathize, *maybe* make a single “breadcrumb” comment before extricating yourself from the situation.
But don’t try to help those who aren’t willing to take responsibility for themselves.
You wont save him… but you might drown trying.
Talk soon,
Pat
PS If YOU are ready for change though, apply here to work with me: www.patstedman.com/application
PPS I only publish old emails like this on the website. To join the list and get the new, daily ones, go here: www.patstedman.com/optin
